Can You Save Me?
by CarlieD
Summary: Lily Evans seemed like the perfect girl on the outside: pretty, intelligent, popular, a prefect and a shoo-in for Head Girl. But she had deep and dark secrets, secrets that she thought nobody would ever find out… until James Potter stepped into her life.
1. Prologue

_**CAN YOU SAVE ME?**_

_Lily Evans seemed like the perfect girl on the outside: pretty, intelligent, popular, a prefect and a shoo-in for Head Girl. But she had deep and dark secrets, secrets that she thought nobody would ever find out… until James Potter stepped into her life._

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter and Co.

* * *

**_Prologue_**

A four-year-old little girl sobbed as she curled up tightly into a ball underneath her covers.

"No, please…" she begged as she felt him take off his dressing robe. "Please, no…" He didn't reply as he slowly slid her nightdress over her head and took her panties off. Sobbing, she tried to fight against his hands holding her tightly against his sweating body, moving her so that her legs were spread around his waist.

"My beautiful little girl," he whispered into her ear, stroking her hair. "Why did you do this to me?" He laid her down on the bed and did what the strange men had done to her yesterday, while her sister slept (or at least pretended to) across the room. The little girl cried helplessly, her screams of pain muffled by his hand being placed over her mouth. "Don't scream, my sweet," he grunted. "You'll wake your sister."

When he was done, he redressed her and he put his dressing robe back on. He apologized to her. But instead of leaving, he dropped to his knees, crying himself now. "Why?" he asked her again. "Why did you do this to me?" He pulled something out of his dressing robe pocket, and she recognized it as his police gun – the gun he put on his belt every day when he went to work. The gun she and her sister weren't allowed to touch. He made the gun click, and he pointed it at her.

Crying, the little girl watched the gun. He started swearing as his hand started to turn the gun onto himself. "What? What, no!"

She couldn't help the scream of terror from escaping as the gun let out a loud bang and she felt something like water being splashed all over her face and her front. He fell back onto the ground and she heard her sister screaming from across the room. The sounds of her mother's footsteps coming down the hall, she heard, and her mother's subsequent scream.


	2. First Year

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

**_Chapter 1: First Year _**

11-year-old Lily Evans sighed as she pulled on her new robes. Her first day of classes at a _magic school_… she still couldn't believe it, magic was really real. All those weird things that used to happen around her, all magic. The only downside was that all of the other girls in her dormitory came from magic families, same with all the boys in her dormitory. She was the only 'Muggle-born', as they called it here.

She could still remember the Sorting Ceremony so clearly, feeling very looked-at as she sat on the stool with the hat on her head. A voice inside was muttering, "Much bravery, very brave little girl, I see. Intelligence and _talent_, oh yes… gentle spirit and yet a thirst for independence, for a feeling of… oh-ho, little Lily Evans wants power, does she? Well, you _are_ a tough nut to crack but we _will_ find a place for you. I think it had better be… _GRYFFINDOR_!"

It still irked her. She didn't want _power_, what did that stupid old Hat think she was, some kind of warmonger?

"Lily, are you coming?" Persia March asked impatiently, waiting at the door with Danielle Zacharias and Sarah Sinclare and Janet Bones.

"Yeah, in a minute," Lily replied quietly; all these other girls knew each other for years, they were clearly reluctant to let her into their little group. "You go ahead."

It took a few minutes to calm herself enough to enter the common room, where she saw one of the other first-year boys, the sandy-haired one – Ryan, was he? – sitting in one of the armchairs, looking about as nervous as she felt.

"Oh, hi," he said, looking up when she sat down in another chair. "Lily, isn't it?"

Lily nodded and smiled briefly. "Lily Evans. I'm afraid your name has slipped my mind. I know it starts with an R."

He smiled at her, a soft and gentle smile. It wasn't the type of smile she normally associated with a boy, they always seemed to have cocky smiles, like they were confident in every situation. This one seemed to admit that he had weaknesses and that he didn't always have confidence. "Remus," he replied quietly. "Remus Lupin."

"Are you as nervous as I am, Remus?" Lily asked softly, curling up in the chair. "It seems like everybody else already knows all these things that I don't. I'm sure I'm going to be horrible at everything, everyone else is from magic families and I'm not."

"You can't be the only Muggle-born in the year," Remus told her reassuringly. "They're just all in another house. I'm only halfblood, my mum was Muggle-born. Most of us are halfblood or less these days any way. Just your luck that most of the Gryffindors in our year are purebloods. James, Sirius, Peter, Persia, Sarah, Janet…"

"So why aren't _you_ at breakfast?" Lily asked curiously.

"Too nervous to eat, I feel like I'm going to be sick," Remus admitted. "I didn't think I'd be coming to school, you know. I thought for sure I wasn't going to be accepted – not good enough, you see."

"Me, too," Lily agreed. "Well, about being too nervous to eat and feeling like I'm going to be sick. I was supposed to be starting secondary school today, it's nothing like these proper private boarding schools. They said I was a bright student, but I don't know if that'll translate to this kind of school. We learned much different things at Muggle schools than I imagine we will here."

A tapping at the window interrupted their conversation. Remus looked over and his face brightened momentarily as he spotted an owl hovering outside with an envelope in its beak. Dashing over, he opened the window and took the envelope. "Thanks, Rierke." He smiled again as he looked at the envelope. Sitting back down in his chair, he ripped open the envelope and read the letter folded inside.

"Do you mind my asking who it's from?" Lily asked enviously. She wasn't getting post from her mother and Raymond, they certainly didn't own an owl.

"My mum," Remus replied, eyes sparkling. "Just writing to wish me luck on the first day of classes. You know, I think I'm hungry now. You want to come to the Great Hall with me? I think I remember how to get there…"

* * *

Charms was their very first class, with the Ravenclaw first-years. Professor Flitwick, a tiny little man, immediately started into the roll.

"Sirius Black," he called, looking around.

One of the dark-haired Gryffindor boys in the back of the class called, "Back here, Professor."

"Ah, yes, there you are, Black. Janet Bones. Andrew Burgh," he called, and one of the Ravenclaw boys raised his hand. "Emanuel Carlotti. Emily Clarence. Lily Evans."

"Here, Professor," Lily said softly, raising her hand.

"Ah, so that's your name, is it?" the other dark-haired Gryffindor boy asked teasingly from behind her as he twitched one of her plaits. "I'd have thought Carrots, you know, your hair's certainly red enough."

"I'll thank you to shut up," Lily said stiffly, not looking at him as Flitwick called "Sara James" and "Olivia Langley".

"Aw, I don't think she liked your little joke, there, James," Sirius snickered when Remus raised his hand at Flitwick's calling his name.

"Persia March. Peter Pettigrew. James Potter. Sarah Sinclare. William Thomas. Henry Thomas." He closed the roll book. "Very well, let us begin."

* * *

By lunch, Lily had forgotten all about being nervous. She listened to the other Gryffindor girls discussing their afternoon class – Potions with Professor Slughorn and the Slytherins.

"He's Head of Slytherin, you know," Persia said. "My brother told me. Says he plays loads of favourites. Picks them in first year."

"My sister was in the Slug Club," Janet spoke up. "Said it was all right, but he likes some more than others. Says his most favourite right now is Katharine Gordon, the Head Girl. She gets to go to _all_ the parties, even the ones that not everybody gets invited to. Inner circle, that's what they call it. Only a select few ever get in."

* * *

Their Potions class was in the dungeons. As Lily set up her cauldron with some help from Persia and Danielle, who had taken pity on her state of confusion, a rotund old man walked in. "Welcome to Potions, first-years!" he cried jovially. "I am Professor Slughorn, and I will be your guide through this wondrous world! Will you open your books to page 28, please? We'll be working on a boil cure today, don't hesitate to call me if you need help!" He paused while the students started working. "Let us get to know each other! Where is…" he consulted his roll. "Sirius Black?"

Sirius raised his hand from the table across from Lily, Persia and Danielle. "Right here, Professor." He turned back to his textbook and started adding ingredients.

"Ah, yes, would you be related in any way to Bellatrix, Andromeda and Narcissa Black?" Slughorn asked excitedly. "Wonderful girls, just brilliant… I had Bellatrix in Slytherin a few years ago, Narcissa is one of my prefects, in fact. Bright girl, that Andromeda, even if she _was_ a Hufflepuff, couldn't believe it, I always get the Blacks in my house…"

"Those are my cousins, sir," Sirius replied, and Lily detected a hint of displeasure in his voice.

"So then you must be related to Phineas Nigellus, one of this fine establishment's former headmasters?" Slughorn continued, his voice rising a few octaves at that.

"Yeah, my great-great-grandfather," Sirius replied indifferently, grinning when James elbowed him.

Lily continued to concentrate on her potion, delighted that this wasn't hard at all: she loved chemistry in school, and this was just like chemistry with different ingredients.

"How are you doing that?" Persia demanded in astonishment as she watched Lily's potion turn the smooth sky-blue described in the book. "I've done all the stupid book says and look at it! It's like tar!"

Lily looked at it. "Well, did you use the counter-clockwise stirring?" she asked.

"Yeah," Persia replied.

"With the clockwise half-stir every five rounds?"

"Ye… no," Persia said, looking crestfallen. "Blast it, and my dad is a potioneer too, he's going to be expecting outstanding results in this class."

"Excellent work, excellent work, just fabulous!" Slughorn exclaimed and with a start, Lily realized he was speaking to _her_. "What's your name, there?"

"Lily," she replied quietly, adding the last ingredient. "Lily Evans."

"Evans, Evans, Evans… you're not related to the Marguerite Evans of International Bureau of Magical Development, are you?"

"No, sir," Lily replied. "I don't come from a magic family."

"Really? Astounding, I'd think with talent like that there'd be _some_ wizarding blood in you."

"Blood isn't everything, you know," Remus spoke up suddenly. "Some of the best witches and wizards of our time are Muggle-born."

"Lupin, isn't it?" Slughorn asked. "Yes, I remember your mother. Anna Carson, wasn't it? Excellent student, though she didn't quite have the judgment and maturity that you'd see in most sixth-years… terrible scandal, that was. And I remember your father as well. Terrible way to go, just terrible…"

Remus' face flushed bright red and he frowned down at his cauldron, angrily throwing in his next ingredient. He growled in frustration when his potion started fizzing and foaming. "What did I do?" he demanded James, who was standing next to him. Frowning, James peered into his cauldron.

"You're not supposed to just throw it in, you're supposed to mix it in," he replied, stirring his own potion, which was the same smooth sky-blue as Lily's, Sirius' and one Slytherin boy's across the room. They were the only ones who had managed to do it, though.

"And you must be…" Slughorn looked down his roll book. "Ah, yes, James Potter. I _do_ remember your father William, he was one of my first students. Haven't had the pleasure of meeting your mother, I believe she's Irish, isn't she?" He didn't wait for James' muttered reply but continued on through the roll, recounting anecdotes and asking for relational ties as he went.

"Man, Potter's parents must be really old," Danielle muttered to Persia and Lily, "Slughorn's been here forever. My _grandparents_ were starting second year when he took the position. Started the same time as Dumbledore, when he taught Transfiguration."

* * *

By the end of the class, Slughorn had raved over Lily's potion some more, giving Gryffindor twenty points for a perfect concoction. That made even the older Gryffindors burst into cheers at the sight of points board – imagine, a first-year getting that many points in a single class, and on the first day! Add that the total of twenty points she had gotten in her other classes, and Lily felt like she was having a pretty good first day.

"He likes you, Lily," Persia said at dinner. "He didn't even give Severus Snape twenty points and _he's_ in his own house. Gave him, what, five? Shame he didn't give Potter and Black points, they had potions that worked too. We could've been far in the lead on the very first day."

Lily bit back her smile – all three of the aforementioned boys were glowering at her.

Remus laughed and leaned over. "'I'm going to be rubbish at everything,' she said. Would you like to change your statement?" Lily laughed back and gave him a smile.

"Thanks, Remus," she said.

* * *

Lily approached Slughorn's class cautiously. He had called her to join 'the Slug Club' for a start-of-term party, but it seemed rather quiet…

"Professor?" she called softly, opening the door. The room was completely empty. "Professor?"

"Ah, Lily, yes, come in," Slughorn called, appearing from the doorway to his living quarters. Lily came inside and closed the door again. She was starting to feel a little uneasy about this… "Come in, come in, Lily, I won't bite," he laughed.

"I thought there was supposed to be…" she started to say uncertainly, stepping into his living quarters.

"Oh, yes, the rest of the Slug Club will be arriving shortly," Slughorn replied. "I just wanted to talk with you before they all got here. Close the door, please, I don't want them overhearing."

Lily started to cry and struggle when he took her arm and forced her down onto the bed. "No, please, no…" she begged, memories of a terrified four-year-old haunting her. "Don't…"

Slughorn pointed his wand at her. "_Complianus_," he muttered, and Lily felt her muscles relax, no matter how much she was telling them not to stop struggling. Her voice cut out. She couldn't fight…

And nobody could hear her scream.


	3. Fifth Year

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

**_Chapter 2: Fifth Year_**

"Lily, are you sure you're feeling all right?" Remus asked worriedly as they were on their way to a prefects' meeting.

_'No, no, I'm not,'_ Lily wanted to say. _'I'm being taken advantage of. He's forcing me to sleep with him, and I don't know how to escape.'_

What she said was, "I'm fine, Remus, just a little tired. I was up studying until late last night."

* * *

"Keep in mind that tomorrow will be the last meeting this term," the Head Boy said to the prefects gathered around the table – today, Professor McGonagall was supervising the meeting. "Exams commence today. Sixth year prefects, you're responsible for supervising the hallways in between exams. Seventh year prefects, the Great Hall and the library, and fifth year prefects, if I can ask you to supervise the courtyard."

The prefects all nodded.

The Head Girl spoke up then. "This isn't an official supervision, really, as the professors will be around as well, but you're asked to keep an eye out for trouble in your assigned areas. Lupin – "

"I'll try," Remus said wearily. "I'm not making any promises."

"They'd better not do anything that'll interfere with OWLs," Lily threatened.

"Hey, why doesn't Bletchley and Zabini just keep Snape out of their hair, and there won't be a problem?" Remus exclaimed.

"Like I'm going anywhere near that git!" Derek Bletchley exclaimed. Abigail Zabini agreed with a curt nod.

* * *

"What flaming idiots," Lily muttered as she saw the familiar sight of Severus Snape hanging by his ankles in the air and a rather large group of students gathered around. "Remus, I'm going to curse you into Atlantis…" She set down her Transfiguration notes. "Dani, watch my stuff, will you?" With that, she got up and stalked over to the crowd to ream out Black and Potter. She'd deal with Remus tomorrow morning. There was no use in spreading rumours about dissent among the prefects.

* * *

Lily turned her face away to avoid having to look at Slughorn as he came up behind her that night. Dani and Persia thought she was out at another 'inner circle' party. If they knew what really went on in these 'parties', they'd be horrified, she was sure of it.

She knew that she wasn't the only one. She was his favourite, she knew that much, but she wasn't the only girl in this position.

"I was quite impressed with the way you rescued Severus this afternoon," Slughorn murmured into her ear. Lily opened her mouth to protest, but nothing came out. She had forgotten about the compliance spell. Her voice disappeared when she was in this room, her body ceased to listen to her when she was in this room, and her mouth acted of its own accord when somebody asked her why she was so tired, or why she looked so pale, or where she had been the night before. "I thought that perhaps you were starting to come around, Lily."

'Never,' Lily thought contemptuously. 'I'll never give in to you.'

* * *

"Remus!" Lily snapped angrily, stalking down the hallway. Remus stopped and turned around, glaring at her in irritation. He was obviously not in his best mood today, but that was all right, because neither was she. Slughorn had kept her out until 3 AM, and it was going to reflect in her Transfiguration exam this morning. He still seemed to think the reason Lily had stopped Black and Potter was because she was coming around, when all it was, was that she knew how it felt to be helpless against your tormentors.

"What?" Remus snapped back irritably.

"What kind of prefect _are_ you?" she demanded. "You sat there and _read_ while they were tormenting poor Snape! Why, I ought to go to Professor McGonagall and demand that your badge gets taken!"

"Excuse me, that's a little rich coming from you!" Remus snarled.

"Excuse me?" she shrieked.

"I noticed _you_ weren't in the tower until 3 AM!"

"What were _you_ doing up at 3 AM?!"

"Studying, unlike some people who seem to think just because they're the professor's pet, that gives them license to shirk curfew all the time! Hoping to get special privileges from Slughorn or something?"

That was the last straw. Shaking with rage, Lily gave him a good, hard slap and stormed off, fuming, to the prefects' hall.

* * *

Remus and Lily shot daggers at each other right through prefects' meeting, breakfast and all the way into the written portion of their Transfiguration OWL. She felt mildly guilty when she noticed that Remus' face was actually bruised, but she quickly pushed that aside.

Something was up with the Gryffindor boys, she noticed. Professor Dumbledore, face grim, had come and taken Potter away to his office right as they were leaving their exam. Potter had come back barely a half-hour later, face set in stone. All of the boys had been in a tight little huddle across the yard ever since.

"What's up with you and Remus today?" Persia asked curiously as they sat outside, practicing for their practical Transfiguration in the afternoon. "You're not usually like this…"

"Shut up, would you, Persia?" Lily said tersely, trying to transfigure the rock at her feet into a rat. The rock sprouted a tail and whiskers, and she growled in frustration, undoing the spell to try again.

"What's got _you_ so shirty today?" Persia said in astonishment.

Lily slammed her textbook shut and got up. "Nothing," she replied tightly. How could she possibly explain to Persia how much Remus' accusation had hurt her? To imply that Lily was _asking_ for this hell to happen, night after night, for the last five years… and the fact it was _Remus_ who had said it… She never would've expected Remus to have said something as low as that, it was more something she'd have expected out of Black, or Potter.

And of course this would all happen the day of the exam in her worst subject – she was terrible at Transfiguration and a lack of studying didn't help her any. As she passed the Gryffindor boys, she contemplated kicking Remus hard in the back, then decided to be the better person.

"… should've known it was coming…" Potter was saying dully. "She's been ill for years." Lily slowed down slightly to hear some more – never in her life had she thought James Potter was capable of any voice except cocky and arrogant. This sounded almost… grieved. Sad.

"Won't make it hurt any less, Jay," Black replied softly, grasping his friend's shoulder, and to Lily's astonishment, she heard the same edge of pain in his voice. "C'mon, let's head back to the tower…"

"No, no, we got an exam in an hour," Potter muttered. "Can't miss it. Remus, you said you wanted some help with Switching Spells?"

"James, you don't have to force yourself," Remus said quietly. "I'm sure the professors would let you skip the exam, given the circumstances…"

"Just shut up about it, would you?" Potter snapped. "Do you or do you not want help?"

"All right," Remus sighed, handing him the revision notes Lily knew Remus had spent hours meticulously writing out. He caught sight of Lily, and he sent her a clear 'get out of here and don't you dare say anything' glare.

* * *

Transfiguration was an absolute disaster, but she really didn't care at that moment. She was itching with curiosity to know what was going on with Potter. However, any thoughts of finding out for sure were thwarted by a note from Slughorn. _Come tonight at 11._ Again? This was costing her OWLs big-time! Not to mention, she had promised Danielle she would help her study for Potions…

"Lily, where are you going?" Danielle asked with a definite tone of panic in her voice. "We've got our Potions OWL tomorrow, you _said_ you'd help me!" Poor Danielle wasn't too good in Potions, she'd be lucky to scrape a D without Lily's help – even with it, neither was expecting more than an A.

"Just going to the bathroom, Dani, I'll be right back," Lily said, slipping out before more questions could fly at her.

* * *

Lily bit back the sobs as she felt Slughorn's fleshy hands seize her waist, kissing her neck with such hunger that she wondered if he had been turned into a vampire. Her body complied fluidly as Slughorn laid her down. She turned her face away again, closing her eyes tightly to try and shut him out.

"Close your eyes all you want, Lily, I'm still here," Slughorn breathed into her ear. "I will_ always_ be here."

Lily fought against the spells viciously and finally managed to spit out, "But _I_ won't be."

Slughorn drew back momentarily, shocked that she had broken through. Then she saw the anger crackle in his eyes, and she knew she was in for a rough night.

* * *

Lily shut the door to the prefects' bathroom, thankful for once that it was 4 AM and therefore unlikely to have occupants besides perhaps Moaning Myrtle. She didn't want anybody to see her like this: face and arms bruised, still shaking from hours of abuse, tears staining her cheeks and eyes red.

She headed straight for the hidden cupboard near the mermaid portrait where she kept her bruise remover. Taking it out, she returned to the mirror and began dabbing it on, silently cursing the tears that still threatened to fall. The remover would take about half an hour to work, she'd have to stay in here and think up her excuse to Dani.

"What happened to you?" came the voice of James Potter from a dark corner of the bathroom. Lily jumped and whirled around, heart racing. Potter emerged from the corner, his own eyes suspiciously red. "You look like you got into a Quidditch brawl or something."

"Mind your own business, Potter," she snapped, turning away. "What are _you_ doing here any way? It's 4 AM."

"I'm well aware of that," Potter replied acidly. "For your information, I was enjoying some well-earned solitude before _you_ came crashing in."

"Having a good cry far from Black?" she asked sneeringly, her anger and panic at being caught in this state getting the worst of her. "Wouldn't want to damage the reputation, would you? Imagine the great James Potter, bawling like some small child – " She jumped aside with a scream when a hex hurtled past her, shattering the mirror. Her own wand out seconds later, they stood off like a pair of duelists, each daring the other to move. "Don't you _dare_ hex me," she snarled through clenched teeth. "You'll regret it."

"And don't you go sneering at me," Potter snarled back. "Don't talk about what you don't know, Evans. You don't see me sneering at you, or reporting you for that matter, because you are constantly in Slughorn's office at _very_ odd hours. 11 PM, Evans? And don't try denying it, I know it's true." He stopped and a truly nasty grin spread across his face. "I always thought it was weird that a pureblood maniac like Slughorn consistently gives top marks and privileges to a Muggle-born. I guess now we know why you've got top marks in Potions, don't we?"

Lily struggled to contain herself. She would like nothing more than to curse James Potter into oblivion right now. She would also like nothing more than to just sit down and have a good cry, and for a moment, she fantasized about crying on that slim, strong shoulder…

Finally, with some difficulty, she said, "Eat dung, Potter," and left.

* * *

Lily was in a thoroughly foul mood all day. Dani was so angry at her for breaking her promise, she had tried to hex her until she was nothing more than a pile of ashes. It took all of the Gryffindor girls holding Dani back to avoid that very scene. Lily escaped and shut herself away in a corner off the third floor corridor to cry, returning only minutes before the written exam was due to start and taking her seat without a look or word to anybody.

To top it off, McGonagall called her into her office directly after the exam with a very serious expression.

"I've had a few concerns expressed by other students about your behaviour, Miss Evans," McGonagall said seriously. "Out at all hours of the night, multiple times a week? Don't try to tell me that these are all parties with Professor Slughorn, he knows very well he can't be doing that sort of thing, it detracts from schoolwork. Reports of unexplained injuries? Not to mention the scene with Miss Zacharias earlier this morning."

Oh, they were both going to get it… Potter and Remus had gone to McGonagall.

"Is there something you would like to tell me, Miss Evans?" McGonagall asked, and Lily thought she saw a glimpse of compassion in her severe eyes. She _knew_… she knew that something was wrong.

'YES!' Lily screamed inside her mind, even as her head shook 'no'. "I'm sorry, Professor McGonagall, it won't happen again," she said, watching her shoes.

"Anything you say in here, Lily, _will_ be held in strictest of confidences," McGonagall said softly.

Lily looked up momentarily from the shock – Professor McGonagall had _never_ called any student by their given name even once. She shook her head again as she struggled to break through the spells again. "There's nothing going on, Professor," she repeated quietly.

"Very well, then," McGonagall said doubtfully. "I catch wind of any more nighttime jaunts, Miss Evans, and I _will_ take away your prefect's badge."

Lily nodded silently and left quickly, steaming mad at Remus and Potter. Why'd they have to go to McGonagall? As if they didn't leave the tower at all hours of the night, multiple times a week as well! And _they_ had unexplained injuries too – as if scratches on Remus' face were from taking a fall off his broom at Quidditch practice!


	4. Sixth Year

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

_**Chapter 3: Sixth Year**_

"I'm still not very happy with you," Lily muttered under her breath to Remus as they joined up outside the prefects' carriage.

"Listen, I'm sorry about snapping at you, all right?" Remus said softly. "I was in an exceptionally bad mood that day, my temper was short enough as it was."

"Did you _have_ to go to McGonagall?" Lily asked peevishly. "Notice I didn't report _you_ for deliberate ignorance of bullying. Or for missing prefects' meetings on numerous occasions, skipping out on your duties, being out of the tower at weird hours, missing classes… I notice you never seem to miss a Quidditch practice _or_ a Quidditch game."

"Lily," Remus said in frustration, running his hand through his tousled hair. "Lily, would you _listen_ for five minutes?" Sighing, he yanked her into a spare compartment and closed the door.

Lily tried to stop her heart from pounding a hundred miles a minute. Remus wouldn't _dare_ try anything in the middle of a crowded train. Remus would never try _anything_ at all, what was she saying?

"Sorry," he added as he caught the way she had paled at his actions. "Can't have anyone overhearing." He shoved his hands in his pockets in a sort of miserable resignation. "You have to swear you're going to keep what I'm about to say a secret. _Nobody_ knows except James and Sirius and Peter. Nobody is _supposed_ to know. I mean, the teachers _have_ to know, obviously, but none of the students are supposed to know."

"What is it?" Lily asked in exasperation. "I suppose you're about to tell me you're a werewolf or something and that's why you're missing all that stuff?"

Remus chewed at his lower lip. Then he nodded. "I _am_ a werewolf, Lily. Have been since I was 2. Professors were booking games around full moon last year, that's why I never missed one. And James purposely schedules practices the same way. But they can't do that with the prefects' meeting and things like that."

Lily stared at him in shock. "You're _actually_ serious." Remus nodded again, fear in his eyes as he watched her. He was waiting for her reaction. "But… child werewolves aren't supposed to have enough magic to qualify for school," she said, somewhat stupidly.

"I know, I'm a bit of an unusual case," Remus mumbled, relief flooding his face as he realized she wasn't going to shun him.

* * *

First night back… she should've seen it coming.

Lily slipped quietly into the prefects' bathroom, aching from head to toe again. Two more years of this… two entire years. Without a sound, she went straight to the hidden bruise remover and took it out. She started to put it on, resigning herself to another year of little sleep.

"Wow, that's a nasty shiner you got there," came Potter's comment from behind her. Lily jumped in surprise and whirled around. He emerged from the same corner he had been in the last night they had met in here – only this time he was injured as well. Blood was soaking through the side of his t-shirt, and he had scratches and bruises on his face and arms. He was limping.

"I'm not even going to comment on _your_ current state," Lily replied curtly, turning away. "What'd you do?"

"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies," Potter replied in an equally curt voice. He muttered a spell of some kind and pointed his wand at his bloodied side, sighing as it did virtually nothing to stem the bleeding. "Curse it all…" he muttered under his breath. He bit back a string of swears as he nearly lost his balance on his bad foot.

"You ought to go to Madam Pomfrey," Lily said, still dabbing on bruise remover.

"Can't," Potter replied tersely. "I'd have to explain where I got them."

"Out on illegal jaunts in the moonlight, are we?" Lily asked loftily, glancing out the window at the full moon. Then she frowned. _"Nobody knows except James and Sirius and Peter… I _am_ a werewolf, Lily."_

"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies," Potter repeated, flinching as he accidentally jabbed his sliced side with his wand.

Lily started to feel slight pity for him – or at least for Remus, who would doubtlessly be guilty in the morning over Potter's physical state. She sighed and set aside her bruise remover. "Sit down before you pass out," she finally sighed.

Potter frowned at her, but did as she ordered. Lily knelt down beside him, trying to gently pry the t-shirt away from the wound. "You were out with Remus, weren't you?" she asked softly. When Potter's frown deepened, she looked up. "Remus told me this morning about his…"

"Furry little problem?" Potter asked dryly, gasping sharply as Lily managed to tear the cloth away from his side. "What'd you do to make him tell, threaten to get McGonagall to take away his badge?"

Lily didn't reply, but said instead, "This is going to hurt," before she used one of the healing spells she had picked up over the course of the years to heal larger wounds – occasionally Slughorn got a little _too_ rough and drew blood.

Potter bit back a yell of pain as she sharply prodded the wound, then he relaxed as he watched the wound slowly heal up. Soon all that remained was the dried blood surrounding a sharply defined, jagged scar. "Great, a scar," he muttered. "That's just perfect."

"It's not going to leave, Potter," Lily said scornfully. "It's a werewolf injury. And you're going to _have_ to go to Madam Pomfrey now, you know," she added, turning her attention to his ankle, obviously broken. "You can't just hide the fact you got savaged by a transformed werewolf. What were you thinking? Or _were_ you?"

"Don't pass judgment without the whole story, Evans," Potter replied tersely. "Let _me_ handle my problems, all right? Looks like you've got your own to worry about, at any rate," he continued, getting to his feet and testing his healed ankle gingerly. "Thanks," he added grudgingly.

* * *

It became somewhat of a routine that year: occasionally, Lily would escape to the prefects' bathroom after she left Slughorn and she would find Potter in there again, sometimes with injuries he was attempting to heal, sometimes just sitting. They exchanged their usual 'What happened to _you_?' and every once in a while, something that wasn't dripping with sarcasm.

She learned a lot about James Potter. She learned that his mother had died that morning in June, after years of serious illness ("before I was even born, she wasn't supposed to be able to have children…"), that his father, too, was ill – losing his mental sharpness and his common sense along with his weakening physical state ("doesn't recognize me every once in a while, he's convinced I'm a house-elf from time to time…"). She learned that he had been handling the family affairs for years, since fourth year, when he was 15. That every once in a while ("not often, mind…"), he wanted to just be alone, away from people, to think.

To her shock, Lily felt her attitude and heart begin to change towards him. His life hadn't been any easier than hers, just in different ways. And he expressed those frustrations of helplessness in his situation in different ways. Really, they weren't all that different.

One early morning in April, Lily was finishing applying the last of her bruise remover to her face while James (she'd come to start thinking of him as 'James', not as 'Potter') stood leaning against a nearby wall, watching her careful process. Then he said quietly, "Slughorn did that to you, didn't he?"

Lily froze, eyes flicking over to him. "What makes you think that?" she asked with some difficulty.

"Whenever you come in here at this hour, it's always after you've been to see Slughorn," James replied, a slight tremor of – was that _anger_? – in his voice. "What is he doing to you? Just… beating you, for the fun of it?"

She wanted to tell. She wanted to tell so badly, but even if she could, how would James react? What would his response be?

James watched her struggling face silently. Then he said, "There's more, isn't there? He's put some kind of charm or spell on you, to stop you from saying anything."

Lily felt the tears started to well up, and she tried desperately to say 'yes'. But nothing came out of her mouth. She tensed when James approached slowly, frowning at the bruises on her arms.

"Don't panic," he said softly, keeping a respectful distance as he gently started to place his hands around her arms, matching up the bruises with his fingertips and palms. "I'm not going to do anything to you," he said as he put two and two together at sight of the angry red mark on her neck. He released her arms and Lily instinctively backed away, heart pounding. "How long has he been doing this to you?" he asked, voice shaking.

Lily fought enormously against the spells, and finally she whispered, "Since first year." She averted her eyes from the thunderstruck look on James' face.

Gasping involuntarily as he caught her face in one hand, Lily tried to force herself to relax as James gently brought her face back up to look at him. "You're telling me this has been going on for six years?" he asked softly, hazel eyes boring into her own emerald eyes. Slowly, as she fought and won against the spells again, Lily nodded. Lip quivering, she knew that she was about to crack. "Lily," he said, and she noticed how _right_ it sounded when he said her name, "how often does he do this?"

She said in a barely audible voice, "Two or three times a week," tears spilling over her cheeks as she let him pull her into his arms. Somehow, _that_ felt just as right.

* * *

"Miss Evans," Professor McGonagall said quietly at breakfast one sunny morning in mid-May.

Lily looked up, hoping beyond hope that it wasn't what she thought it was for. Filch and Mrs. Norris had nearly caught her returning to Gryffindor Tower last night – had he told McGonagall? "Yes, Professor?"

"Come with me, please," McGonagall replied.

Lily's heart was sinking fast.

* * *

"Miss Evans, I told you last year if I caught wind of any more reports of you breaking curfew, I would be taking away your prefect badge," McGonagall told her, disappointment in her eyes. "Mr. Filch has been to see me. It seems that he caught you outside the tower last night, yet you managed to evade him."

Lily bit her lip, nodding as she fixed her eyes on her feet.

"I won't attempt to disguise how disappointed I am in you, Miss Evans," McGonagall said quietly. "I believed you were above such things. Will you at least explain to me what you were doing outside the tower at that hour?"

Lily felt the spells begin to form an explanation when she was interrupted by a knock at the door and it opening. Looking behind her, she was surprised to see James standing there.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Professor, Lily," he said. "Professor, it's my fault that Lily was caught out of the tower."

Both McGonagall and Lily frowned sharply at him. What was he _doing_? He had nothing to do with it, and he knew it as well as they did.

"I know I shouldn't have done it," James added. "I was baiting her, just wanted to see if she would actually leave the tower. I didn't mean for her to get caught. Professor, she was only doing part of her prefect duty, she really shouldn't have her badge taken away. It's me that's at fault."

McGonagall eyed him suspiciously and Lily held her breath. It certainly sounded like something James would've done – she had to hand it to him, he could certainly concoct a story.

"Mr. Potter, I am very upset with your actions," McGonagall finally said severely. "However, that doesn't excuse Miss Evans' actions either."

Both James and Lily watched her in anticipation of continuance and mercy.

McGonagall eyed them both again and finally said, "Mr. Potter – detention, and fifty points from Gryffindor. Miss Evans – detention, and ten points from Gryffindor. You may retain your badge. I will not be so merciful if I ever catch you out of bed again. You are both dismissed."

"What'd you do that for?" Lily asked after McGonagall had closed her office door again. "You had nothing to do with last night."

James mussed his hair and mumbled, "If you're anything like Remus, you probably sleep with that badge and it'd be like losing your best friend to get it taken away…" he continued with something indistinct, though it was to the effect of 'didn't want to see you like that'.

Lily bit her lip and gave him a smile. Then, impulsively, she gave him a light kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, James," she said and took off to go find Dani and Persia, leaving James standing in the middle of a deserted corridor in shock. She vaguely heard him say, in slight bewilderment, "A-a-any time, Lily."

* * *

On the last evening before summer break started, Lily slipped cautiously into the prefects' washroom. To her surprise, she found her bruise remover already out, with a little folded note on top of it. Frowning, she picked up the note and unfolded it. On it was a familiar scrawl, messy and oh-so-masculine, but elegant at the same time.

_I hate to see you hurting, Lily. I'd much rather see that gorgeous smile of yours than tears, but I wish I knew how to make him stop. If you can overlook the fact that I'm a bit of an idiot, I'd like a chance to try and make it right. You know where to find me when you've made your decision._

Lily blinked back the tears in her eyes. As if she needed time to think. Sniffling, she turned around to face the dark corner that he always came out from. "Come here, James," she half-laughed, half-sobbed.

There was a soft, tentative smile on James' face as he emerged from the shadows. He looked momentarily startled, but then his face softened as she caught onto his t-shirt and buried her face into his chest.

"Thank you, James," she sniffled, finally emerging red-eyed from his chest. He gave her the same quiet, tentative smile as he caught her face gently in his hand. His eyes asked her silent permission, and once she had given it, he leaned in to kiss her.

Now this was what a kiss was supposed to be, Lily thought to herself as she slowly relaxed into his arms. Of course, she probably wasn't supposed to be crying.


	5. The Struggle To Fight

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

_**Chapter 4: The Struggle To Fight**_

Lily chewed her lower lip nervously as she waited on the platform. She wasn't about to step on that train, where Slughorn was definitely going to zero in on her, without James at her side. And where was James? He had promised her he would be here by 10:30, and it was ten minutes to 11:00 now.

"Remus!" she called as she caught sight of a sandy-haired head pushing through the crowds. "Remus, over here!" Remus managed to get to her, followed by Sirius, and gave her a smile. "Remus, do you know where James is?"

Remus sighed. "He's not sure he's going to be able to make the train. Something's cropped up with his dad last night, he's at St. Mungo's. Said he'd try like hell to get here." Both his and Sirius' faces were pale and had dark circles under their eyes, belying a sleepless night. They had both likely spent the night at James' house.

Lily bit back a sob of anxiety. He wasn't going to make it. She was going to have to get on the train by herself.

"But, in Badge-Boy's absence," Sirius spoke up, grinning; Lily somehow knew that he'd been taking great delight in poking fun at James' appointment to Head Boy, "we have been ordered not to let you out of our sight for anything. And _that_ is something we intend to follow." With that comment, Lily knew that James had told them why she wasn't to be out of their sight. "Come on."

Though she wasn't entirely pleased with more people knowing her dirty little secret, she did relax, knowing that she was just as safe from Slughorn with Sirius and Remus as she was with James.

* * *

James appeared at Hogwarts near the end of the Sorting; he had evidently Apparated from London and had had a very long night and day, based on his tired, strained face. He slipped in quietly, almost unnoticed, and slid into the empty seat next to Lily, giving her a quick kiss in welcome. He sent a nod of recognition to Dumbledore, watching him from the staff table. "Are you all right?" James asked her softly.

Lily gave him a small smile. "I'm fine, James," she replied softly. "How's your dad?"

James made an indistinct sound. "Not doing so well."

"Yamovsky, Ronald' was Sorted into Ravenclaw and McGonagall took the Hat away, the Feast appearing on the tables.

"Tuck in," Dumbledore advised and the Great Hall exploded with the sounds of conversation and laughter.

"So?" Sirius asked expectantly, looking at James. "What'd the Healers say?"

James sighed, mussing his hair in frustration. "Nothing I wanted to hear," he muttered, taking a helping of chicken. Lily put a gentle hand on his thigh, and he relented. "He's been committed into long-term care. There's no way he can live on his own. Can't even be left on his own for more than an hour."

"They give you any sort of time frame?" Remus asked quietly. Lily tried to figure out what he was talking about, then it struck her: James' father evidently wasn't expected to live much longer.

"Year, maybe," James replied, voice edged with same dull pain she'd heard in fifth year, when his mother had died.

* * *

Lily struggled against James' arms that night. Tears blurring her vision, she tried to overcome the spells placed on her. She had never tried to fight going to Slughorn, scared of what would happen if she did. Her mind was screaming at her to stop fighting against James and her body was trying to get away, trying to get to Slughorn.

"Fight it, Lily," James whispered in her ear, one muscled arm wrapped securely around her waist: never in her life had she been more grateful that he was a Quidditch player. "Fight it, I know you can. I'm not going to let you go."

Lily shook her head, crying in frustration. What was she shaking her head at: no, she couldn't fight it or no, don't let her go? "Please, James…" she begged, again not knowing what she was asking: please, James, let me go or please, James, don't let me go?

"I'll stay up all night if I have to," James murmured, tightening his hold and stroking her hair away from her face. "I'm not going to let him hurt you, Lily. I made a promise, and I'm going to keep it."

Lily sobbed again and buried her face into his chest, still fighting against her own traitorous body. It had to get easier. It just had to.

* * *

She finally stopped struggling at 2 AM. Physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted, Lily collapsed back against James' chest, still crying as he wrapped his arms around her and rocked her gently. He laid soft, gentle kisses against her head. "It's okay, it's okay," he soothed. "You got through."

"Thank you, James," she whispered.

James smiled at her. "You'd best get back upstairs to your dormitory and catch some sleep," he murmured in her ear. "Got a long day today. I'll see you in a few hours."

* * *

Lily's breath caught in her throat as she looked at her timetable. Of course it would work out that way. Double Potions, first thing this morning and Thursday morning.

"Relax, Lily," James said quietly, squeezing her knee lightly in reassurance. "He's not going to be fool enough to try anything in a classroom full of students."

"I know," Lily replied, though her voice still held some repressed fear. "You're not going to leave?" she asked, a little piteously.

"I'll be right beside you the whole time," James reassured her. "Now, come on and eat something."

* * *

Lily busied herself with her cauldron as Slughorn swept past her on his way to the front, not meeting his eyes: she could almost feel his displeasure emanating from every pore. Once he began to speak, she could hear his displeasure: more snappish than usual. "I hope everybody enjoyed their vacation," he said, sounding for all the world like the first person to have enjoyed it would die. "Now, you are taking NEWTs in June. Therefore, this term will consist of revising those potions that regularly come up…"

Lily concentrated on her potion, mentally coaxing herself to relax. It was a classroom full of students, after all, and James was right next to her, Sirius and Remus just behind them. What was he going to do?

"Excellent work, Lily, as usual," Slughorn's terse voice came from in front of her. Lily nodded her head curtly to show she'd heard him and continued to slice Mandrake roots. "I didn't see you at the start-of-term party last night," he continued, leaning forward slightly to place his hands on the table.

"Lost track of time, I expect," Lily replied calmly, hoping that the slight tremor wasn't evident in her voice.

"Well, I hope you don't lose track of time for the next party," he replied, and as he stood up again and went off, a small, folded piece of parchment was left behind next to her cauldron.

"Don't even open it," James said to her softly, as he reached over and palmed it. Before anybody could even notice, he had tossed the parchment into the fire underneath his cauldron.

* * *

As Lily soon found out, it was much easier to fight against the spells when she didn't read the notes ordering her to show up at such-and-such a time. James' advice was solid: don't open any sort of note Slughorn gave her.

When Quidditch practices started up, taking James away from her three evenings a week, Lily learned to involve herself with Dani and Persia, making sure that awkward questions were sure to arise if she got up and left: awkward questions were also an excellent deterrent.

"I miss you, you know," Dani laughed one overcast November evening as the three friends sat around the table in the common room, working on a Divination assignment. "Hardly ever get to see you on your own anymore, you're always with Potter."

Lily gave her friend a small smile, finishing another calculation for their astrology charts with some difficulty. She really wasn't all that good with numbers, never had been. She would've probably died if she had tried to take Arithmancy. "I am, aren't I?" she asked sheepishly. "I'm sorry."

"Ah, it's all right," Persia said with a wave of her hand. "It's worth it to see you all smiley again. Never would've guessed it'd be Potter, though."

"Yeah, I was convinced you were secretly dating Remus Lupin," Dani said, frowning at her when Lily burst out in giggles. "What?"

"Sorry, that's just…" Lily gasped out. "That's just a little funny." She bit back another round of giggles and explained, "It's like saying that you thought I was dating my brother or something."

"Okay," Persia said with a laugh. "So when exactly did you start dating him? I don't remember you saying anything about any date. And then Dani gets her Remus theory, and summer vacation comes and we come back and all of a sudden you're dating James Potter. And looking quite cozy, might I add."

"Well, it's sort of complicated," Lily said, blushing slightly.

"Look at her, she's _blushing_!" Dani crowed to Persia. "He makes her _blush_! This is _so_ romance-novel material!"

"How long?" Persia repeated sweetly to Lily, whose cheeks flushed even more.

"Since the end of June," Lily admitted with a smile, laughing when Dani shrieked, "And you didn't _tell_ us?!"

"Man, that's like almost half a year!" Persia exclaimed. "I don't think anybody in our year has gone that long with a single person!"

"Does it seem like forever?" Dani asked eagerly. Lily thought for a moment, sighed and said,

"Sometimes."


	6. Tears and Turmoil

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

_**Chapter 5: Tears and Turmoil**_

Christmas break came all too quickly.

"So, do you promise to come soon?" Lily asked plaintively, wrapping her arms around James' neck. "Please don't make me have to suffer all Christmas."

"I promise," James laughed, kissing her. "Only two days, all right? Let me have a chance to get everything that's piled up in the last four months straightened out and then I promise, I will come and snatch you away."

"Good," Lily said in satisfaction. "I don't think I could handle Petunia and her awful husband for a full fortnight." She weaseled one more kiss out of James, then said, "Send me an owl before you come, all right?"

* * *

"What?" Lily asked weakly, looking at her uncle Timothy in disbelief.

"I know it's difficult to absorb," he said softly, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder. Lily pulled away and turned her back to him, trying to retain her tears. She had cried far too often in this house. "Lily, please, look at me. Listen to me."

"Why?" Lily asked bitterly. "So I can hear more excuses for their behaviour? Nothing can excuse what she did. What he did. What they did…" And all of a sudden, she wasn't talking about her mother and her father-uncle-stepfather-whatever-he-was. Wrapping her arms around herself tightly, she sniffled and returned to her spot by the sitting room window, watching and waiting for James. She had owled him last night, immediately after she had arrived home, fuming that her mother and Raymond had forgotten she was coming home today, to find Petunia dissolving into hysterics. Two officers she vaguely remembered from the long-gone days of when her father had been on the force were there. They were there to tell them that their mother and Raymond and Micah were dead; a car accident on their way to King's Cross.

Of course, this meant that the entire family history was going to get drudged up again, since everybody was now at their house for funeral preparations. Lily, being in the middle of the twisted drama, wasn't prepared to deal with that. James could come and snatch her away _now_.

And now Timothy was trying to _rationalize_ her mother's behaviour? Her father's behaviour? Raymond's behaviour? She wasn't having any part of this crazed, screwed-up family any longer. Petunia had been shooting red-eyed glares and daggers at her ever since she'd arrived home, snarling little barbed comments at every turn. Elaine and her children had arrived early this morning, along with Timothy and Anna and their children. The house was crowded, nobody was very happy at each other and there was a lot of animosity being directed at Lily. Though nothing was directly her fault, she was part of the complicated story that had torn their family asunder.

If Matthew Evans had never started working those longer hours on the force, Sarah Evans would have never started having an affair with her brother-in-law. If Raymond Evans had never had that affair, Sarah never would had Lily. If Lily had never been born, Sarah never would have had to take her for the paternity test that day, unsure of whose child her little daughter really was. If she hadn't taken Lily to the test that day, Lily never would've been snatched by that gang and repeatedly violated. If Lily hadn't been snatched, Matthew never would've found his wife sobbing in the arms of his brother, telling Raymond that Lily was his child. If Matthew hadn't found out about the affair, he never would've forced himself onto the little girl he had always believed was his own. If he hadn't done that, he never would've tried to kill her, until her undiscovered magic forced him to kill himself instead. If Matthew hadn't killed himself, Raymond wouldn't have left his own wife and children to move in with his brother's widow. If they hadn't done that, they never would've had little Micah. If the affair had never happened in the first place, they wouldn't have been driving to pick up Lily from the train station. If they hadn't been driving to King's Cross, they wouldn't have died.

If, if, if, if, if… Lily could die from all the 'ifs' in her life.

* * *

Lily and Petunia were at opposite sides of the window, both watching for their other halves to arrive. Petunia's husband Vernon Dursley was driving in from Surrey first thing in the morning. Lily hadn't heard back from James, but she knew that he would come as soon as he got the owl, which should've been just a short while ago since he was supposed to be out at his family's summer home in Godric's Hollow, where his father had kept all the documents James had to sort through and deal with, even if it was winter and he should've been at the Potters' London flat. James had never let her down yet. He would come the moment he read the letter, and he would take her back to his house with him, just like he had promised.

Lily ignored the glares from her sister, her aunt Elaine and her cousins/siblings and focused on the street outside.

"Vernon should be here any second now," Petunia said, with a nasty tone in her voice. "Unlike some people's boyfriends, my husband is courteous enough to tell me he'll come straightaway."

"Shut up, Petunia," Lily muttered, heart giving a hopeful jump as she caught sight of a dark-haired figure walking rapidly around the corner. Had James arrived already? The figure approached and she could see his face. It was James. Immediately, Lily left her post and took off outside, not even caring that it was 30 below, she had a short-sleeved shirt on and she didn't have any sort of protection against the elements.

"Where that girl going?" she vaguely heard Elaine ask in exasperation before she threw herself into James' arms. He caught her easily, wrapping her into his jacket (not as easy as it was with his cloak; he'd even remembered that nobody else in her family knew about her being a witch and dressed to avoid awkward questions).

"Shh," he whispered comfortingly, as Lily buried her face into his chest and cried. "I'm here now. I'm here."

"Don't make me go back in there, James," she begged. "Please, can't we just _go_?"

James kissed her tenderly. "I promise, I won't keep you here for long. Long enough to get the preparations finished and then we'll leave. All right?"

Lily shook her head. "I don't want to stay any longer, James. I want to leave."

"Not even for Micah?" James asked softly, brushing a lock of her hair back from her face.

Lily's tears overflowed again and she sobbed into his chest. It wasn't her little brother's fault he'd been sucked into this horrible family feud, just like she had. He was just as ostracized as she was, the poor little boy. "Fine," she finally said softly. "For Micah."

* * *

Lily tried desperately to shut out her oldest cousin Michael's venomous comments to his sisters Amy and Rachel. She curled up tighter against James' side, burying her face against his shoulder again as his hand twitched to avoid forming a fist at the comment.

Finally, James kissed her forehead and said softly, "All right, we're going. You don't need to listen to this." He shot a dirty look at Michael and gently helped Lily to her feet. "Come on. We'll get your things and head back to Godric's Hollow."

Lily nodded.

* * *

Christmas went mildly better once she was away. James let her curl up next to him whenever she felt the need to, content to watch him frown and mutter over mortgages paid or not paid, expense claims, things from his father's final days at work for the International Bureau of Magical Development, trying to figure out what was legitimate and what was from a episode of incoherency, what was urgent and needed to be dealt with immediately and what could possibly wait until a later date, what needed clarified with various people and what was completely irrelevant to everything.

* * *

She would let James do all the paperwork, Lily decided one evening during Easter break as she cuddled up against him on the couch, having come home with James for the break instead of going to her uncle and aunt's house. Numbers didn't bother _him_, nor did complicated phrasings and legalistic prattle. Then she realized that she was thinking as though she would always be with James. As though they would get married, have children…

She couldn't imagine living without James now, Lily reflected, snuggling in closer against his side. She could definitely see being with him for the rest of her life.

"What are you thinking of, dearest Lily?" James asked softly, kissing her.

"Oh, nothing," Lily replied with a small smile, kissing him back. She couldn't stop a laugh from escaping as James growled playfully and caught her underneath him lightly, wrapping his arms underneath hers and propping himself up on his elbows. "James!" she reprimanded half-seriously, though she was laughing as she said it. She loved it when he did that – somehow, it made her feel safe, protected, not trapped.

"What, my angel?" he asked through another kiss, fingers combing her hair lightly.

"Oh, nothing," she answered, shivering with delight at the sensation of his warm, firm body against hers. She didn't quite understand why suddenly she wanted him to keep going, when this was always as far as she had let him go. Any farther, and she was scared that he, too, would become violent, unwilling to stop when she begged for him not to do this.

She wanted to belong to James Potter – heart, soul and body.

James bent down and kissed her again. "Do you want me to get off?" he whispered into her ear, his own voice aching with hunger.

Lily could tell that he, too, wanted to keep going, but he didn't want to scare her. Shaking her head, Lily wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down to kiss him. "No," she whispered. "Don't stop."

James hesitated. "Are you sure, Lily?" he asked softly. "You don't have to."

"I want you to," she said.

James hesitated one last time before he kissed her once more. "I love you, Lily," he murmured in her ear.

"I love you too, James," she replied, gasping when she felt his hands gently go to her waist. Instinctively, she tensed and shut her eyes, waiting for the pain to start.

"Relax," James' voice came into her ear. He had stopped the second she had tensed. "Relax, I'm not going to hurt you… Lily. Lily, open your eyes. Look at me." His hand caressed the side of her face as he continued to sooth her, worry evident in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, tears filling her eyes as shame coursed through her veins. She had told him he could, and then she had changed her mind without warning. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, Lily," James murmured. "You have nothing to apologize for. You're not ready, that's all. C'mere." He got off and stretched out beside Lily, letting her snuggle into his side and rest her head against his shoulder. "Go to sleep, all right?" he said gently, brushing her hair off of her face. But Lily was already fast asleep, the tenseness leaving her body. With a soft smile, James flicked his wand at a nearby blanket and summoned it over, tucking it over them.


	7. The End of School and Slughorn

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

_**Chapter 6: The End of School and Slughorn**_

The year was quickly coming to a close, and NEWTs were rapidly approaching. With full-blown adult life encroaching on many seventh-years' radar screens, there were understandable breakdowns. No less than a half-dozen students wound up in the hospital wing demanding calming potions because they were in hysterics. Emily Clarence was so hysterical she had to get sent to St. Mungo's. Debbie Winslow left and went home in tears, convinced that she was useless.

Lily could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Only a month left before the end of school, when she could be free of Slughorn's oppressive presence forever. Naturally, it made her so deliriously happy, she told James and Sirius to go ahead and hex Snape, she didn't care because there was only a month left of school anyhow.

* * *

"Did you hit her with a couple too many Cheering Charms?" Sirius asked James in disbelief as Lily left to go find Dani and Persia. "She _did_ just say that we could hex Snape, right?" 

James laughed and shook his head. "I dunno. I hope that mood stays though, it'll make tonight a whole lot easier."

Sirius and Remus both laughed, Remus still studying desperately for the Potions NEWT the next day. "Ah, you'll be fine, Badge-Boy," Sirius assured him. James smacked him across the head.

"She can't possibly say 'no', she likes you too much," Remus agreed.

"Well-spoken, Remus," Sirius said airily. "Now, I'm going to take full advantage of the opportunity and test a new hex out. And if anybody objects… the Head Girl gave me permission."

"Well, the Head Boy says that the Head Girl isn't in her right mind and had she been certainly would not have given her permission, therefore I'm voiding her comment," James said with a grin. Sirius smacked him across the head and took off, quickly followed by James.

Remus looked at Peter. "They're not… actually…?"

"I think they are," Peter replied, getting to his feet.

Remus jumped and tore off after his friends. "SIRIUS! JAMES! GET BACK HERE!"

* * *

"Where are we going, James?" Lily asked that evening, as the young couple went down another hallway underneath James' Invisibility Cloak. 

"You'll see," James replied, keeping one hand lightly covering her eyes.

* * *

Lily laughed when James removed the Cloak and took his hand away. "That was very anticlimactic, James," she said. "The bathroom?" 

"Ah, yes, but not just any bathroom," James said with a grin.

"Yes, the prefects' bathroom, and?" Lily said impatiently as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

James leaned in and kissed her. "Can you not think of anything that happened in here?" he prompted, kissing her again.

Lily, who could remember every single second she'd spent in here with James in the last two years, said coyly, "Remind me."

"Well," James said, nestling her against the wall. "You saved my life once in here."

"I remember that," Lily murmured, one hand drifting down to James' side, where she knew his long jagged scar from sixth year was. "I stopped hating you in here," she added, giggling when James kissed her neck.

"I like that," James laughed. Then his face went serious. "I figured out what Slughorn was doing to you in here," he said softly, kissing her again.

Lily bit her lip. Then she watched his eyes as she replied, "You promised me you wouldn't let him hurt me again in here."

"I've kept that promise, haven't I?" James asked, caressing her face lightly.

"Yes," Lily murmured. "Yes, you have."

"What else happened in here, I know I'm missing something," James continued. He faked a look of deep thought and grinned as Lily laughed and cuffed him in the head.

"This is where you asked me out and I said 'yes'," Lily said in a put-on huff. "If you can't remember that…"

"There's something else…" James said.

"We had our first kiss in here," Lily offered.

"Mmm, I definitely remember that, you were bawling your eyes out," James laughed. Lily laughed at that, too. Nuzzling her neck affectionately, James finished, "I'm sure there's something else."

Lily thought. "No, I don't think so," she replied.

"I know what it is, it's just slipped my mind," James insisted. "Okay, I remember now."

"What?" Lily asked curiously.

James leaned in and kissed her again, a long, lingering kiss. When they broke it, he said softly, "Well, this is where I asked you to marry me."

Lily's heart stopped. "James," she said carefully, "you never asked me to marry you anywhere, let alone in here."

"Didn't I?" James asked, a sparkle in his dancing eyes. "Guess I'd better backtrack then."

Lily felt her breath catch in her throat as she watched him pull out a small black box. When he handed it to her, she opened it carefully and gasped. Inside was the most gorgeous diamond ring she had ever seen in her life. Looking back up at James, she felt like she'd never be able to speak.

"See, and I had a whole speech prepared and I've gone and forgotten it now," James said with a soft smile, kissing her. "I only remember the last two lines."

"And what would those be?" Lily asked.

"I love you so much, Lily," he said into her skin as he nuzzled her again. "I feel like I couldn't live without you with me. Will you marry me?"

Lily melted into his arms as she said, "Of course, James. But that was three lines, you know."

"Oh, so it was," James laughed, whirling her around as his face burst into a grin. Setting her back down, he slid the ring onto her finger and kissed her again.

* * *

James walked back into his dormitory on clouds. He didn't bother trying to sneak in, Sirius and Remus would both be sitting up waiting for him and Peter slept like a rock.

"So? So?" both of his best friends demanded at once as they looked up from the Marauders' Map. He knew they had been 'watching' the whole time, trying to guess what was going on.

James held out the empty, open box and grinned like a fool. Sirius let out a whoop of excitement, catching his best friend in a friendly tackle. James laughed and wrested Sirius off him as Remus watched with a smile on his face.

* * *

Lily crept back into her dormitory, still struck speechless.

"So, Lily?" Dani asked excitedly in a low hiss from her bed next to Lily's. "Where'd he take you? What'd he say? He _never_ takes you out of the tower after curfew!"

"We want to know _everything_," Persia added from her bed on the other side of Lily.

"I'm not telling you where he took me," Lily said happily, changing into her nightdress and climbing into bed. "That's strictly for James and I to know."

"What'd he say, then?" Dani demanded.

Lily sighed again. "He asked me to marry him."

"_What_?!" Persia shrieked, making Janet and Sarah jump awake.

"What's going on?" Janet asked sleepily.

"What did you _say_?!" Dani shrieked.

"It's 1 AM, guys!" Sarah complained. "What is possibly important enough to wake us up?"

"James Potter proposed to Lily!" Persia exclaimed.

"_What_?!" both Janet and Sarah demanded.

"What did you _say_?!" Dani repeated.

Lily sighed happily. "I said yes, of course."

"_Lumen lamps_!" Sarah said, waving her wand around the room and immediately the lamps lit up, bathing their room in light. "Let me see the ring!"

The other four Gryffindor girls all crowded onto Lily's bed, clamoring over the chance to be first to see.

Lily showed them and Sarah, whose parents were jewelers, exclaimed, "Do you know how much that must've cost?" She examined the ring closely. "That's solid elvish gold, that is! And… blimey, where'd he find a dragonfire diamond? There must be one place in all of the United Kingdom that sells those, and they don't come by cheap!"

"Merlin, he must really like you, Lily," Dani cracked.

Lily laughed, feeling a little like she must look like an idiot. But she just couldn't seem to stop the smiles and laughs from coming even if she wanted. She was marrying James.

* * *

Of course, Janet Bones had one of the biggest mouths and widest circle of friends in the school, so by the time breakfast came around, everybody in Hogwarts and probably a few people outside of Hogwarts had heard that James Potter and Lily Evans were engaged. Lily was swarmed by the other girls in seventh year from Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, along with quite a few fifth- and sixth-years as soon as she walked into the Great Hall. Even a few of the Slytherins were eyeing her jealously from across the hall. Laughing, she patiently let them exclaim and jealously look over her ring, the girls with steady boyfriends shooting clear 'top this' looks at them while the boyfriends glowered at James with 'thanks a lot' looks.

* * *

"Excuse me, James Potter?" said one little Gryffindor third-year as he approached the group of seventh-years after they had finished their practical Potions NEWT that evening. The poor boy looked terrified at the thought of actually speaking to a seventh-year, let alone the Head Boy, never mind the James Potter.

"Hmm?" James asked, looking at him.

"Professor Dumbledore would like to see you," the boy said, holding out a note. James took it, read it and then shrugged, standing up. "He says that if he's not in his office when you arrive, just wait and he'll be there shortly." Once he had been thanked, the third-year took off like lightning.

"I'll be back," James said, squeezing Lily's hand gently and leaving towards Dumbledore's office.

"Well, I'm going to go get some last studying in for Defense tomorrow," Remus announced with a sigh that clearly indicated a desire to be doing anything else.

"I've got an Astronomy NEWT," Lily sighed. "Tell James I'll meet him in the common room afterwards, would you, Sirius?"

"Yeah," Sirius replied nonchalantly.

* * *

Lily walked down the deserted hallway towards the location for the Astronomy NEWT, feeling a little uneasy.

All of a sudden, she felt a familiar tugging sensation. 'No, Lily, fight it,' she told herself sternly. 'You have an Astronomy NEWT, remember? You have to get there. Ignore it.' But the tugging kept getting more and more insistent, Lily finding herself frozen in place as she fought against the pull.

However, the pull succeeded and Lily, still fighting every step of the way, soon found herself in Slughorn's classroom.

No. No, this couldn't be happening. Lily fought against the spells yanking her back towards his living quarters, sometimes succeeding to stop dead in her tracks before she started walking again. Once, she even managed to take a step backwards.

But she was soon in the living quarters.

"Hmm," Slughorn said in a fake pleasant voice as he stood up from the couch. "Took you longer than usual." Walking over to Lily, he reached over and shut the door, locking it. "That ought to take care of any pesky intruders." He caught her arms tightly, pushing her back towards the bed. "I've missed you this year, Lily," he breathed into her ear.

Lily tried to yank herself out of his grasp, succeeding in freeing one hand to try and grab her wand. "Let me go," she demanded.

"I don't think so," Slughorn said, reaching into her pocket to take her wand away. Roughly, he pinned her arm back down and leaned in to kiss her when Lily kneed him sharply.

"Let me go!" she cried, struggling when he had caught his breath and tightened his hold on her as a result. "Let me go!"

"I really shouldn't do this a second time," Slughorn said nastily as he pulled out his wand. "Seems to affect… proper functioning… if applied a second time. Just ask Katharine Gordon. She, too, figured out the spell's weak point: love breaks its power."

Lily blanched and tried to struggle even more.

"For years, I've tried to figure out how to fix that problem," Slughorn continued. "I was lucky with Katharine. The fool she fell in love with didn't truly love her back. He used her and he left her. She was so upset, she couldn't even fight against my call. But she wasn't having any part of me anymore. I had to reapply the spell… I believe the man she married after she left just divorced her," Slughorn continued. "Seems that she's rather… listless… disconnected… during intimacy. I know Roger Lecourse quite well, you know, he told me the whole sad story. And when she broke it to him that she would never be able to have children, well, that just sealed her doom."

Lily's heart stopped. She was reasonably certain that James wouldn't leave her just because she couldn't have children. But to not be able to enjoy their physical relationship… that would destroy them. "Please, no…" she begged, struggling again.

"I have to admit I wasn't expecting you to latch onto James Potter," Slughorn said. "But I wasn't too worried when I first heard about it over the summer. After all, who was James Potter except a troublemaker? A brilliant, handsome troublemaker, but you'd tire of him soon enough." He paused. "But then school started again, and you were still with him. Still, I expected to hear about your break-up any day. James Potter was the type of person who expected complete and utter loyalty from his girlfriend, and you couldn't possibly fight against my call forever. He was bound to figure out that there was somebody else, and he would leave you."

"But he hasn't," Lily snarled. "James has always known about what you've done to me. He still loves me."

"Yes, I saw that when he and his irritatingly loyal friends had you protected from my presence daily," Slughorn said impatiently. "I thought he must've figured it out. I thought I would seize my opportunity on the train, since I had heard from one of my old students at St. Mungo's that his father had taken a turn for the worse. Foolish, loyal sons are always so predictable, I knew he wouldn't leave until he was certain his father was stable. But he had warned his friends about me, and they had you with them the whole time."

He sighed. "I saw that he was determined to keep you away from me when he kept taking my notes in class, burning them before you could pick them up. He had figured out that forewarning was part of the spell's working. Of course," he laughed, "you don't always need it, if you call strongly enough. At any rate, I thought, this unlikely relationship couldn't possibly last. By Christmas, I thought, by Christmas you would be free and you would come back to me."

Christmas, Lily knew, was when they had really cemented their relationship. The deaths of Raymond and her mother and her brother had proved to her that James would do anything to keep her safe and happy. She glowered and tried to yank her arm free again.

"But then Christmas came and went, and now you were living with him!" Slughorn continued his story, keeping her tightly pinned down. "I had to do something, but what? Now awkward questions were going to arise if I called you to me and made you break up with him. People who have been together for six months and who are living together do not just simply break up. I had to be careful if I was to ever regain your loveliness. Still, I kept hoping that something would happen, something that would tear you apart."

"Nothing is going to make James stop loving me," Lily snarled. "Or haven't you heard? We're getting married."

She flinched when he grasped her wrists so painfully, she was sure he was going to snap them. Angrily, Slughorn snapped, "I did hear that, and that was the last straw! _Complianus_!"

But before he could take advantage of her helpless state, the door burst open and Lily's frantic, clouded mind felt Slughorn being yanked away and warm, strong, familiar arms wrapped her up tightly. Burying her face into James' chest, she cried, knowing that she should've had such a sense of relief and love at the fact he had rescued her, but instead of those feelings, there was only dead emptiness.

Looking up briefly, Lily saw that both Sirius and Remus were the ones who had yanked Slughorn off, and had their wands pointed at his heart, anger crackling in their eyes. James was busy trying to comfort her, sending dirty glares at Slughorn, who still had a smirk on his face.

"What is going on here?" came McGonagall's demand as she stopped dead in the doorway, catching herself on the doorjamb to steady herself and a hand flew to her heart.

* * *

Rumors about the situation flew around the school the next day. James kept her protectively within his arms and threatened detention and disembowelment at anybody who dared try approach Lily with questions. Sirius was short-tempered because James was upset, and must've hexed a good one or two dozen students who made the mistake of saying that they thought Lily had brought it on herself or were in the vicinity of somebody who said that without disagreeing. Remus kept snapping at people who tried to ask him questions, thinking that, as a prefect and one of the ones who had come upon the scene, he would give them answers. The professors were refusing to answer questions.

Slughorn had been disgracefully sacked – while nobody could prove what he'd done or was intending to do, the fact that a distraught female student was on his bed in his living quarters, bruises forming on her wrists, didn't look very promising.

There were a few students, Lily noticed dully as she let James guide her away from the general crowds to come sit down after their Defense NEWT, who looked as though they might've been other victims of Slughorn's. Girls who cast fleeting, frightened looks at her, as if thinking it could have very well been them.

James kissed her cheek softly. Normally, Lily's stomach would give a pleasurable squirm at that gentle display of affection, but today, nothing. "You all right?" he asked.

Lily nodded, unable to look him in the eye. She let him settle her securely against his chest, one arm wrapped lightly around her waist. "How did you know to go looking for me?" Lily asked softly.

"Well, when I got to Dumbledore's office, McGonagall told me that he'd left early in the morning. There was no way he could've sent that note. I thought it might've been a plot by Slughorn, and when Sirius and Remus showed up, yammering about the Map and you being in Slughorn's office…" James replied, kissing her. "'Course, the Map's confiscated now, Filch got them."

Aching for the emptiness inside, Lily tried desperately to feel something, anything. But there was nothing there. So instead, she bit back a sob.

"Lily," James murmured, pulling her hair away from her face. "Lily, he's gone. It's over."

_'No, it's not,'_ Lily wanted to tell him. _'It's never going to be over. He's wrecked me, James.'_ How was she supposed to tell him – James, her fiancé, the man she loved so much – that his touch, his voice evoked absolutely nothing in her anymore? It would crush him.

Lily sniffled, still watching the Black Lake to avoid looking at James, terrified that he would see the emptiness and misinterpret it.

"Lily," James repeated, an edge of panic in his voice as he kissed her again. "Lily, come back to me."

Lily felt the tears well up again as she remembered just how much she'd lost, and she buried herself in James' chest again, silently pleading for her sensation of physical pleasure to come back. She couldn't live with this… this empty feeling every time James touched her, every time he kissed her.

* * *

James left Lily at the North Tower for her Divination NEWT the next day, promising her he would come back in three hours to meet her when it was done. Then he went towards the staff room, a single question burning inside: what had happened to Lily? There was something wrong with her: never before had she been this… listless. Even if she was distraught, upset, grieving, she had always responded to his touch.

"What is it, Potter?" McGonagall asked with a slight edge of exasperation in her voice. The professors were obviously having another 'what are we supposed to do about this situation' meeting while the fifth- and seventh-years were in exams and the other students were all outside enjoying the day.

"Is Professor Ashton here?" he asked softly. McGonagall's expression softened slightly and moments later, the Defense Against The Dark Arts professor appeared at her side.

"Potter would like to speak to you," McGonagall said.

"Come with me," Ashton said kindly to James as he closed the door behind him. "I was wondering when you'd be coming."

"Professor," James started to say, "what happens if the Compliance Spell is applied twice?"

Ashton stopped dead in his tracks and stared at James. "Is that…"

"He put it on Lily in first year," James said. "But he put it on her again two days ago because she'd broken free of it. She hasn't… she hasn't been the same since."

"First year…" James heard Ashton breath to himself. "Merlin, how many others…"

"Professor?" James asked.

Ashton looked back at him. Merlin, what a horrible thing to have to tell the boy – only just engaged… "Potter… the first thing you need to understand is that the Compliance Spell is among the most wicked spells a person can cast. No decent wizard would ever use it, because it takes away a person's free will. It forces her, because the victim is very often a woman or girl, into a state of perpetual submission and secrecy. It's a sexual predator's favourite spell."

"I know what it does, what happens if a person gets it twice?" James asked impatiently.

"I'm getting there, Potter. Now, somebody breaking free of the spell happens very rarely, because the only thing that breaks the binding powers of the spell is love. True, unadulterated, romantic love. Most women who get hit by the Compliance Spell have a very hard time recognizing what a healthy relationship is. They think they're in love but they're really not. The fact that Miss Evans could break free speaks volumes about the strength of your relationship, Potter. You need to remember that."

"What happens when – " James started to ask again, beginning to get a little irked.

"I was about to tell you, Potter. It is an extremely cruel thing to strike a person with the Compliance Spell twice. Twice means they broke free the first time, which means that they have found true love. The second the second spell hits her, it condemns her to a half-life. It takes away her ability to feel physical pleasure, and though it's a very narrow percentage who ever are affected by it, it removes her ability to bear children. Most relationships that survive past the initial stage of the second spell being cast crumble very quickly – I'm sure you can understand why, it's extremely damaging to the other person's ego. The majority of those relationships never make it far enough to be affected by the infertility side. That's why a second Compliance Spell is often applied to women in wizarding brothels who want out in order to marry. It's a cruel thing to do, Potter, very cruel." He paused when he saw how pale James was. "Sit down, Potter," he ordered, pointing to a nearby bench.

"So she…" James asked softly. "She doesn't love me anymore?"

Ashton sighed and sat down next to James. "Potter, true love is more than just a feeling. I don't doubt that she still loves you. But…"

James stood up. "Thank you, Professor," he said tersely. It was almost four o'clock, Lily would be getting out of her exam soon and he'd promised her he'd meet her there, he didn't want to be late again lest she panic. Besides, he didn't want to hear Ashton's 'but'.

* * *

Lily sighed and frowned at her astrology chart. She wasn't entirely sure she'd done it correctly, she could swear she had two Saturns…

"Ten minutes remaining," she heard the examiner call. Lily set down her quill and resigned herself to having two Saturns. Twisting her engagement ring around her finger, she tried to imagine life with James now. She had a funny hunch that he'd gone to see Professor Ashton once he'd dropped her off here. Once he learned what had happened to her, would he still want to be with her? Or would their love crumble, just like Katharine's Gordon's marriage?

_She was laughing, twirling around in exhilaration. She could feel James wrap his arms around her waist and nothing had ever felt as good as that did right then._

_"Welcome home, Lily Potter," James' voice came whispering into her ear, and Lily felt as though she might burst from the thrill. "I love you so much."_

_And then suddenly, she was nestled against James' side, watching as he slept, one of his muscled arms gently holding a baby boy asleep on his chest while the other held her lightly against him. The little boy, no more than a year old, had downy jet-black tufts of hair that stuck up in every direction. Once he was older, she could tell he would look like James._

_Harry. Her son. Harry James Potter._

Lily came back to the present when Persia poked her gently. "Lily, exam's over."

"Oh," Lily said distractedly, still reeling from the implications of the vision. Was it a vision she had seen? Or was it simply a dream, a dream that was never to be? "Right."

"Are you okay?" Dani asked worriedly.

It was so clear… she could feel every sensation as if it were happening at that very moment. It couldn't be just a dream… could it?

"I'm fine," Lily replied, getting up. "You guys go on ahead, James was going to meet me back here after the exam."

"Sure," Dani said, pulling Persia off.

When the room was empty, Lily looked around momentarily. Then she bit her lip. She would go to James, she would tell him what she'd seen, see what he thought.

Lily climbed down from the classroom, to see James waiting patiently for her just below. The look on his face told her he had indeed gone to Professor Ashton, but he still caught her waist and helped her down.

Lily's heart gave a small flutter of excitement when she felt her stomach squirm faintly. She was feeling.

"So?" James asked expectantly as he tucked her back into her familiar place in his arms. "How was the exam?"

"Oh, the exam could've gone better, but I've got to tell you something," she said excitedly, smiling when she felt a deep sense of contentment at his arm settled around her.

"Tell me what?" James asked, a slight smile crossing his features when he noticed the change in her demeanour. "What happened?"

Lily told him the whole story, growing more and more animated until she almost felt like her old self. By the time she'd finished, her eyes were sparkling and James' eyes were dancing as he kissed her again. Laughing, she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I'm glad you're back," James murmured into her skin.

"Oh, believe me, so am I," Lily replied.


	8. A Darkening World

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

_**Chapter 7: A Darkening World**_

_July 15, 1977:_

She was laughing, twirling around in exhilaration. She could feel James wrap his arms around her waist and nothing had ever felt as good as that did right then.

"Welcome home, Lily Potter," James' voice came whispering into her ear, and Lily felt as though she might burst from the thrill. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, James," she breathed, wrapping her arms around his neck and letting him sweep her up into his arms.

Before she knew it, she was being loved so utterly, so completely that she wondered why she had ever thought that there was ever anything that could stop them.

* * *

_July 14, 1979:_

Lily yawned as she slowly woke up, registering James' warmth next to her. Good. He hadn't left for work yet, she could cuddle up for a while. She cast a sleepy eye at the clock. 5:30. James didn't need to be at work until 7:30, that was almost two full hours she could spent drinking in his warm boyish charm. Unless, of course, he woke up, in which case she could easily convince him to stay in bed for just a little longer.

"Good morning, angel," James murmured, shifting slightly to look at her. Just as Lily was about to reply, he kissed her and caught her under him again in his usual endearing fashion. "Sleep well?" he asked hungrily, kissing her neck.

"Mmm, yes," Lily purred, undoing the buttons on his pyjamas. "It's only 5:30, you know. We don't have to get up yet."

"Who said anything about getting up?" James growled good-naturedly.

* * *

"Don't forget the meeting tonight, James," Lily reminded him, arms wrapped around his neck.

"Yeah, I'll see you when I get home first," James replied, kissing her goodbye.

"No, you won't, tonight's my night shift, remember?" Lily corrected. "I'm not going to be here when you get home to hassle you. Make sure you're at the meeting on time."

"I promise," James assured her. "Have a good day, Lily."

"You, too," Lily replied. "Don't forget."

"I won't, I swear!" James laughed, kissed her one last time and left.

Lily sighed as the house went eerily silent again. He was going to forget, she just knew it. He was going to be at work all day, organizing that stupid Quidditch World Cup (why the male species was so entranced by this game, she had no idea) and getting distracted, then he was going to wind up missing the meeting, thinking that nobody would care if he took some overtime tonight since she was working. She was half-tempted to call Sirius and Remus and tell them to hassle James for her, but Sirius was just as hopeless as James when the tantalizing prospect of the Quidditch World Cup hung in the air and Remus wouldn't be seeing them before the meeting anyway.

* * *

"Evening, Lily," called Evita, the other night shift worker tonight. The labs at St. Mungo's only employed two workers for the night shift exclusively, the other workers were daytime and evening workers who rotated schedules on the night shift's nights off.

"Evening, Evita," Lily replied. She liked Evita well enough, she was a newcomer, fresh from St. Brendan's Irish Academy of Magic in June. "What's on the table tonight?"

Evita laughed. "Refills." She gestured at the pile of orders from the various wards without stopping the stirring in the cauldron she had in front of her.

Lily sighed in disgust. "Sure, my night can be just as irritating as James."

"Aw, what'd he do now?"

"Quidditch," Lily said simply, picking up the first form. "Merlin, I'll be glad when the World Cup is over and his head is back from the clouds. What does Long-Term Spell Damage want with Blood-Replenishment Potion?"

"I think there's a lad in there who's a little self-violent," Evita replied. "Keeps chewing his own arm."

"Oookay." Lily sighed and started gathering ingredients.

"Have they found a spot for the Cup yet?" Evita asked. "Me nephews have been pestering me merciless about getting tickets."

"I think they'd narrowed it down to a couple of locations, James and Sirius were supposed to be checking them out today," Lily replied distractedly. She started the Blood-Replenishment on its way and turned to the next order form.

"Don't ask me why Magical Diseases thinks it needs Venom Antidote, you'd think that's what Creature Injuries wanted," Evita said.

"More likely Veelinda Antidote they wanted," Lily said. "Probably another Quidditch-minded trainee Healer with his head in the clouds…"

"You're really bitter about this Quidditch," Evita laughed.

"Oh, don't get me started," Lily grumbled.

* * *

At about midnight, the trainee Creature Injuries Healer appeared at the doors to the labs. "We need all the Blood-Replenishment Potions you have in stock, that includes the ones made for any refill orders."

"But – " Evita started to protest; that was half the night's work, and surely the other floors would complain if they didn't get their orders!

"I'll bring it right up," Lily cut in smoothly. Creature Injuries always overrode the other floors for Blood-Replenishment. "What's the situation?"

"Couple of workers from the Department of Magical Sports and Recreation were out scouting territory for the Cup, got ambushed by a bunch of Red Caps. We need those potions right away."

Lily sighed. "Oh, believe me, they'll be right there," she said, cursing James. He'd missed the meeting, it was supposed to have been at 7 and there was no way he and Sirius had gotten held up by Red Caps for at least six hours.

The trainee Healer nodded and dashed off again while Lily muttered angrily under her breath, grabbing bottles. Red Caps were going to be the least of James Christopher Potter's problems once she got up there.

"Your husband?" Evita asked.

"Stupid man, is it too much to ask for one thing…" Lily growled. "I'll be right back, Evita."

"Yeah," Evita replied, eyeing her worriedly.

* * *

"I'm dead," she heard James say distinctly to Sirius. "Man, we should've just let the Red Caps finish me off, because Lily's going to any way."

"Why?"

"We forgot the meeting tonight. I promised her three times this morning I wouldn't forget."

"Dang it, we did, didn't we?"

Lily narrowed her eyes in James' direction with a clear 'you just wait until I get home' look. James gulped and offered a weak, vaguely apologetic smile, still pressing down firmly on a nasty slice on his forearm.

* * *

"Lily, I'm sorry!" James exclaimed again. "We got held up, didn't get around to the scouting until late afternoon! It had to be done!"

"James, you knew I was working!" Lily said, aware that she was completely overreacting but not caring. "You knew I was counting on you to tell me what went on!"

"Lily…" James complained in frustration. "Lily, I was working too. What's gotten into you lately?"

"Nothing!" Lily exploded at him, tears in her eyes. "Nothing…"

Suddenly, James understood why she was so upset over nothing. As Lily broke down for what seemed like the hundredth time this week, he pulled her into his arms. "Come here, angel," he murmured, smoothing down her hair. "It's okay, it's okay…"

"No, it's not," Lily insisted between sobs. "Why, James? Why isn't it working?"

"Shh, calm down, Lily," he said softly, trying to ignore the voice in his own head asking the same questions. "It'll happen. You just have to be patient."

"You've been saying that for two years, James! Two years and every time…" she muffled her next sentence against his chest, but he heard it still the same. She blamed him.

James harnessed his initial rage before he did something that would get him packed off to Azkaban. Pushing her away, he said in a low, carefully-controlled voice, "Don't you dare blame me. It was you who caused it, not me." As soon as the words left his mouth, he realized that it did not come out the way he had intended it to. But he couldn't take them back.

Lily paled and her eyes filled with tears. James opened his mouth to apologize, to try and salvage this wreck of a conversation, but Lily had already taken off and he heard the sound of their bedroom door slamming and locking.

"Lily!" James yelled futilely. She screamed a few nasty insults back at him and he growled, kicking the wall in anger. Finally, he grabbed his cloak and stormed out. He'd go find sympathetic company at Sirius'. As he left, he made certain he slammed the door loud enough for her to hear.

* * *

Two hours later, sniffling, Lily sat up and unlocked the door. James never stayed away for long after an argument, he'd be back by now or very soon. He would do the contrite-husband act: apologizing for his idiot male behaviour, rubbing her shoulders and her back, kissing her to try and get back on her good side… and she'd let him back, as usual. But then again, maybe she wouldn't. Maybe she'd shut him out for a while longer, make him sweat. Yeah, that was it: she'd give him the cold shoulder. She wouldn't speak to him, she wouldn't let him near her, she wouldn't even look at him. He could sleep on the couch, or leech off Sirius for a few nights. He was probably there now any way, complaining about how unreasonable she was.

Satisfied with her plan of punishment, Lily laid back down and decided to sleep for a while. She'd hear when James came in.

_There were flashes of light, shouts, screams, and a high, cold laugh…_

_"Face it, James Potter, you can't escape this time," came the voice of Voldemort, chilling Lily's heart to the core. "You're going to die right here, and then I'm going to personally make sure your irritating, filthy Mudblood wife sees your mangled body before I kill her. Crucio! Crucio!"_

Lily woke as suddenly as if it had been her. If that had been another vision…

Trying to stop the panic from overtaking her, Lily got to her feet just as the door opened downstairs. "Lily!" came the voice of Alice Longbottom, frantic and urgent. "Lily!"

"What is it, Alice?" Lily asked as the two young women from two very different worlds: one a fast-paced, pragmatic Auror who saw danger on a daily basis, one a rather unexciting potioneer with the rare gift of Sight; locked gazes. Before Alice could even speak, Lily knew that it had been no mere dream she had just had.

"Come on," Alice finally said; she knew somehow that Lily already knew what she would say. "It's all wands on the field."

* * *

There were flashes of light, shouts, screams, and a high, cold laugh…

"Face it, James Potter, you can't escape this time," came the voice of Voldemort, chilling Lily's heart to the core. "You're going to die right here, and then I'm going to personally make sure your irritating, filthy Mudblood wife sees your mangled body before I kill her. _Crucio_! _Crucio_!"

"_Impedimenta_!" Lily cried as she heard James' scream of pain. Her spell deflected the second torture spell towards a Death-Eater doing battle with another Order member – from here, she couldn't tell whom.

To his credit, James took advantage of Voldemort's momentary distraction to quickly get to his feet and out of the way. He looked as though he'd been here a while already, and had gone through a few Cruciatus hits.

Lily refused to let herself get distracted by the thought of James recuperating at home and ducked just as Voldemort turned his attention to her, shooting another Cruciatus in her direction. Breathing hard, she tried to gauge what his next move was, but not in time to escape another Death-Eater's disarming spell – somebody had misfired.

Her eyes widened as she watched her wand fly out of her hand, landing with a clatter at Voldemort's feet. _'Now, you can panic,'_ she told herself, backing away slowly as Voldemort's flat, snaky face cracked an evil smile.

"Or maybe it's _you_ I'll kill first, Mudblood," he said softly, in a bone-chilling calm voice. "But it won't be an easy death, oh no… you can die like Black over there, filthy Mudblood. And then I'll kill your blood traitor husband the same way…"

Sirius was dead?, Lily thought somewhat stupidly as she hit a rock face. She was trapped. She had just seen Sirius, how could he be dead?

"_Crucio_!"

* * *

James impulsively chucked the first hard, heavy object he could reach at Voldemort. The chunk of rock hit him soundly in the back of his waxy white head, making a nice red gash that steadily trickled blood. It was nice to know that even inhuman beasts like Voldemort could bleed.

Lily's screams of pain stopped and James could see her slump to the ground, breathing hard. Smirking as Voldemort turned onto him once more, he carefully baited the dark wizard away from his wife. Voldemort was going to pay for insulting Lily. Nobody called his wife second-rate. The world didn't deserve to have her, least of all impulsive, rash, doesn't-think-before-he-speaks James Potter. If he got out of this alive… he was going to make it up to her.

From out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lily silently summon her wand from where it lay and get to her feet, determination glinting in her emerald eyes. Merlin, she was gorgeous… right, concentrate on the battle at hand. James ducked another Cruciatus, laughing when Voldemort hit one of his own followers instead, causing the Death-Eater to cease his battle with Sirius.

"I tire of this cat-and-mouse game, Potter!" Voldemort snarled.

James saw Lily catch somebody's eye and then his, mouthing "Stun on three."

One. James and Sirius both dodged a Cruciatus.

Two. "You can't escape me!" Voldemort screamed in rage.

Three! Four bright flashes of light all hurtled towards Voldemort. Voldemort whirled around and Disapparated, his able followers quickly following suit. The casters hit the ground to avoid being struck with their own Stunning Spells. Looking to his other side, James saw that Remus had been the fourth person, and once the air was clear, he immediately bee-lined it to Lily, pulling her into his arms. "I'm sorry, angel," he whispered as she wrapped her arms around his neck, crying into his neck. Battles really weren't Lily's domain, she didn't like them one little bit. "I didn't mean it."

"I know," she whispered. "Merlin, James, I was so scared…"

"All right, come on," James soothed, pulling her gently up to her feet. "We've got to go see who made it."

"James, Sirius…" Lily started to say.

"Sirius is fine," Sirius spoke up. Lily looked up, startled.

"But… he said…"

Sirius' face gained a frown and he nudged a nearby dead Death-Eater's head with his foot. A fairly young man that looked slightly familiar appeared, an expression of sheer terror on his face. "My brother Regulus. Chickened out of an assignment, from what I can gather. Stupid fool…" he muttered, looking at his dead brother for a moment before he turned away.

"Oh," Lily said.

Frank and Alice Longbottom both appeared among the group, sporting various minor injuries. "Prewett brothers didn't make it," Frank reported quietly. "I saw them go down."

"Yeah, so did I," Remus said. "Took seven of 'em."

"Dennis has gone to tell Molly Weasley before it hits the Prophet or the WWN," Alice said. "Merlin, I don't fancy being him right now. She's expecting her sixth, she's going to be unpredictable."

"What's the story he's telling her?" Sirius asked, a little more sharply than normal, Lily noted.

"I don't know," Alice admitted. "Probably that they were out on a stroll and Death-Eaters attacked. He'll make sure she knows they went down fighting and took a few Death-Eaters with them. That'll give her some comfort."

"What about Moody… Peter?" Remus asked.

"Haven't seen Peter yet, I'm not entirely sure he was even here," Frank replied. "Moody's gone back to the Ministry, he's on duty there. We're here strictly on Order."

"I hope Peter's all right," Lily said quietly, resting her head on James' shoulder. All of a sudden, she was exhausted to the point of tears. All she wanted was to go home, curl up under the covers and sleep with the comforting, reassuring warmth of James.

"I'm sure he is," James told her, though his voice didn't sound quite so confident about that. Peter was no duelist…

At that point, Peter limped over from somewhere to join them. "Sorry, guys," he said softly, tugging at his sleeve. "Got knocked out, only just came around. What's the damage?"

"Gideon and Fabian and about a half-dozen Death-Eaters," Sirius said. "Most of whom went down trying to get Gid and Fab. Plus Regulus, who was dead before the whole battle even started any way," he added.

"No point hanging around, the Ministry'll be here any minute," Alice said to Frank. The others nodded and they all Disapparated.

* * *

"Are you sure you're all right?" James asked worriedly, pulling off his shirt.

Lily nodded silently as she tugged on her nightdress. Letting a small smile escape when she felt James sidle up behind her and wrap his arms around her waist (Merlin, she loved how firm his chest was…), she sighed as the familiar stab of emotional pain returned.

James kissed her neck, an aching hunger gnawing at him inside. There was nothing more he'd love to do, nothing more he ever wanted to do right now than to give her the baby she wanted so badly – the little boy she'd seen in her vision in seventh year. They had tried so many times over their two years of marriage, only to be disappointed time after time. They were both losing hope, and it was tearing them apart.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to her again. "Angel, I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," she said softly, voice wavering once. "It's my fault."

"No, it's not," James told her firmly. "Lily, look at me." When she turned around, he caught her face between his hands. "Listen to me. It is not your fault. It has never been your fault." He kissed her tenderly, tasting the bitter, salty tears falling from her eyes. "We were both tired and angry. We both said things we didn't mean. But let's make sure the anger is directed at the right person, all right? And that's neither of us." Gently, he wiped the tears from her cheeks. "That's what he wanted, Lily. He wanted to tear us apart. Don't let him win, angel."

Lily watched his eyes for a moment before she nodded, burying her face into his shoulder. Strong, muscled arms wrapped around her tightly and she wished he'd never let her go.


	9. Perfection Incarnate

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

_**Chapter 8: Perfection Incarnate**_

_January 1, 1980:_

Lily closed her eyes, enjoying having the comforting warmth of James surrounding her. She'd missed him terribly this week, while he was away on business for the Ministry. It'd been so lonely, coming home to nobody and sleeping alone. And seeing Frank and Alice so excited about their pregnancy just reminded her that it wasn't happening for her. She had ached for James to come home and cuddle her and remind her that none of her visions had been wrong yet. It wasn't as though a time-stamp had been in her vision; who knew when it would happen?

She laughed happily when James kissed her neck again. "James!" she scolded teasingly as he started to pull off her robes. "I'm not entirely sure that's appropriate, Mr. Potter."

"Oh, really?" James replied with a grin, kissing her shoulder. "Well, I won't tell if you don't, Mrs. Potter," he murmured into her skin. Merlin, she was gorgeous…

* * *

James awoke for no particular reason, carefully detangling himself from his slumbering wife.

Merlin, she was gorgeous. Every little bit of her, feminine perfection incarnate. Soft, supple body, with those telltale potioneer's hands – smooth, unblemished, slender. Long, luscious red hair (Merlin, he loved her hair…) that tumbled over her peaceful face. Skin like china – no, lily-white. Like her name. Eyes that glittered like the highest-grade emeralds. She was a goddess… his goddess. She was his precious angel, his dearest Lily. There wasn't an inch of her that he didn't know, that he didn't yearn to take and love every minute of every day.

James leaned over and kissed her softly, the taste of her lips and her skin sweeter than honey. Merlin, he wanted her so badly right now, he needed her; he was addicted. Smiling softly, he nudged her neck gently with his nose, breathing in the intoxicating scent of her skin mixed with soap and whatever potion ingredients she had been using yesterday. He could almost see her rubbing her neck wearily at work, the potion ingredients on her hands transferring themselves to her neck. "Lily," he murmured, nudging her again and gently tracing her contours, making her moan and shift. "Lily."

"What?" she asked sleepily, batting his hands away clumsily.

Kissing her again, he whispered, "I love you."

"That's all you woke me up for?" Lily grumbled drowsily, though she smiled.

"Well, no, not all," James amended. He let out a soft groan of longing as she brushed herself against him. He pinned her down lightly. "I missed you like air," he whispered into her ear.

"James," she whispered, a slight tremor in her voice, "go ahead, but don't hold me down like that."

Immediately, he released her. "I'm sorry, angel," he murmured, kissing her.

"It's all right," Lily replied. "It just… it still scares me."

* * *

_February 10, 1980:_

"Merlin, if I've said no once, I've said it a thousand times," James fumed to Sirius at about six o'clock in the evening as he finished reading a request from the Russian Department of Magical Sports and Recreation for a trade of players. "But do they listen to me? _No_…"

"Listen to you, you sound like Lily," Sirius laughed, looking up from a report.

"Lily!" James exclaimed, smacking himself in the forehead with a file folder. "Damn it, I was supposed to be home two hours ago!"

Sirius snickered. "Jay, when are you going to learn? You've been married for what, almost three years, and you still can't get home on time?"

"Shut up, I'm going to torment you mercilessly when you get married," James said, quickly grabbing things that needed to go different places (Merlin, she was going to _kill_ him, fifth time in a fortnight…). "See you tomorrow."

"Yeah, see you," Sirius said distractedly, still holding back a snicker or two.

* * *

James Apparated in front of the house, certain he was dead the moment he walked in the door. Lily had been temperamental lately and nearly ripped his head off last time he pulled unintentional overtime.

"Lily?" he called cautiously, coming inside. "Lily, I'm sorry I'm late again…"

"Oh, are you?" Lily asked cheerfully from the sitting room.

This had to be some sort of cruel build-up to the shrieking, James thought warily, catching her as she threw herself at him. "What's going on?" he asked. "I'm two hours late."

"Yes, I know, and normally I would be shrieking at you," Lily said, eyes sparkling, "but I just can't seem to work up the anger today."

"Why?" James asked suspiciously.

"How do you feel about being called 'Daddy'?" Lily asked, laughing as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"What?" James asked, a little shocked and then delighted. "You're pregnant?"

"Finally, James!" she said happily, laughing again as James picked her up and whirled her around. "Finally!"

"Angel, that's wonderful!" he exclaimed, kissing her. "When?"

"Well," she said slyly, "one cold January night…"

"I know _that_," James growled good-naturedly, rubbing his nose against hers. "When are you due?"

"Somewhere in September," Lily answered. "Oh, James, can you imagine?" she breathed.

"So I'm off the hook for being late?" James asked.

"Yes, yes, for this time," Lily replied with a wave of her hand. "Don't make a habit of it, now."

* * *

"So?" Sirius asked the next morning as James came into their joint office. "How long did she shriek at you?"

"Didn't shriek at me at all," James replied cheerfully. "Oh, did I forget to reply to that Russian guy yesterday? Blimey, he's one persistent bugger…"

Sirius eyed him suspiciously. "All right, what'd you take?"

"Nothing," James said, grinning at his best friend.

"Why're you so cheerful?" Sirius asked. "It's 7:30 in the morning."

"I know," James said. "It's always 7:30 when we get here."

"Come on, spit it out, Jay, you can't hide anything from me."

"All right, you don't have to wrench it out of me," James laughed. "Lily's pregnant."

"What?" Sirius asked, choking on his coffee. "Pregnant, like, baby?"

"What else?" James laughed.

"Somebody's cheery in here," greeted Roland Dudovic as he popped his head in. "James, the Russian bloke is really getting annoying, can you please get him off my back? And what's got you so cheerful, any way? It's 7:30 in the morning."

"He's got a bad case of pregnancy," Sirius grinned. "Well, not him, obviously, but…"

James nodded. "Yep, my wife's pregnant," he told Roland. "I'll get right on that Russian guy."

"Thanks, James, and congratulations."

"So?" Sirius asked expectantly. "When?"

"September," James answered.

"Oh, good, after the Cup." Sirius grinned and ducked when James chucked a stapler at him.

* * *

_July 30, 1980:_

Lily shifted uncomfortably on her chair and shot a pleading glance at James across the table. She was so exhausted, couldn't they just skip out on the rest of the meeting? James returned her glance with an apologetic one of his own. Nope. Had to stay for the whole thing. He was exhausted too, she'd been tossing and turning all night for the last week, keeping not only her, but him as well, awake. And with the Quidditch World Cup coming up in a fortnight, he was working overtime at the office. Not to mention she'd been having sharp little shooting pains all day.

"So I believe that's it, unless somebody's got something else?" Dumbledore said with finality.

Moody spoke up in his growling voice. "Longbottoms just wanted me to let you know they had a boy this morning."

"Didn't say what his name was, Moody, just 'boy'?" Arabella Figg asked pointedly.

"Neville Ross," Dumbledore said pleasantly. "I happened to have been in the Hogwarts records room at the moment of his birth. Class of 1998. If that's all, have a good night, everybody."

Before anybody else could hold up the evening, James collected his wife and bid his goodbyes.

* * *

"Ow… Lily, stop it," James grumbled as she kicked him unintentionally and woke him up yet again.

Lily groaned in frustration. "Oh, go sleep on the couch if you're that desperate," she replied snappishly. "It hurts no matter how I lay."

"Don't tempt me, woman," James muttered. "Where does it hurt?" he finally relented with a sigh, sitting up and scrubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Lower back," Lily said pitifully, a brief whimper escaping as a stronger flash of pain came. When she tried to sit up, a vague sense of a flood escaping made her groan. "James?"

"Yeah?" he asked.

"James, I think I'm in labour," she said, the last part coming in a gasp because the strongest wave of pain yet arrived.

"Lily, angel, you're not due for two months…" James said, though he suddenly became more alert, grabbing his glasses.

"I know, James!" she snapped.

* * *

"No!" Lily exclaimed weakly, clinging to James' hand. "Please, can't he stay?" she begged the Healer, who shook her head resolutely.

"Why not?" James asked, squeezing Lily's hand reassuringly.

"I'm sorry, sir, ma'am, it's policy. More often than not, men are far more hindrance than help in here, and particularly in high-risk cases like this. Mr. Potter, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Please, James, don't leave me," Lily whimpered, as James reluctantly released her hand. Bending over, James kissed her softly. "Please, James…"

"I promise, I'll be right outside the door here," James said. "Hang in there, angel. I love you." He brushed one last kiss against her lips and left. A little irritated, the Healer closed the door behind him.

James sank into a chair, shaking. She was so pale, even more paler than normal – like bleached bone china, as if somebody had sucked all the colour out of her. She was trembling, as if in a constant cold. She was bleeding, which, according to the Healer, was never a good sign and particularly not when the mother still has two months to go. But her water was broken. Baby was coming whether they were ready or not.

What if they lost Harry? It would kill Lily – she'd been so excited, so happy. It would kill him, too – he, too, had been waiting three years for this baby.

What if he lost Lily? His little boy would grow up without a mother. There'd never be another woman like Lily, never. She was the only love in his life, the only love he'd ever have.

What if he lost both of them – Lily and Harry? He didn't think he could live through that. He'd be destroyed.

"James?" came Remus' soft voice on his left, a gentle hand on his shoulder. "James, we're here."

"We'll get you through this, Jay," Sirius' voice came on his right, a brief grip on his arm. "No matter what happens," he added, a slight tremor in his voice and in his grip as Remus tightened his grip on James' shoulder. So Sirius and Remus had been thinking the same thing – running through all the possible scenarios, dreading each of them equally. It was unspoken and understood that Remus was going to hold just as much importance as Sirius when it came to Harry – Sirius might be the official godfather, but Remus would still be an unofficial godfather. They both wanted Lily and Harry to pull through just as much as James did.

"How's Lily?" Remus asked softly.

"I don't know," James said helplessly. "They won't let me in, they won't tell me anything…"

"Potter, isn't it?" came the pleasant voice of Frank Longbottom. James looked up briefly. They weren't supposed to know each other too well, so despite being quite familiar with each other through the Order, outside they had keep up the 'I think I know you from somewhere' façade. "Magical Sports and Recreation?"

James nodded slightly, seeing the questions in Frank's eyes. "Longbottom, right? Aurors Department?"

"That's me. Well, okay, that's my wife, too. Just had our first yesterday morning." Frank's eyes said what he was really thinking. _"Lily's not supposed to be in here yet. What's wrong?"_

Sirius answered for James, who was still too upset to speak beyond the niceties. "Congratulations. Apparently his kid doesn't want to wait another two months."

"Obviously takes after his mother and not his father, who arrived late to his own wedding," Remus said with a small smile. James shoved him halfheartedly.

"I was only five minutes late," he said softly.

"Ah, but hear Lily tell it, you might as well have been five hours late," Sirius countered.

"Well, I hope everything goes all right," Frank said, before he headed back down the hall. He was probably going to go tell Alice – she and Lily were close, being the only two young women in the Order. All of the other women, what few there were, were much older.

* * *

It was the longest night of his life. With every hour that dragged by, James grew more and more worried, nearly going hysterical when the sun rose and he still hadn't heard anything.

"Jay, calm down!" Sirius exclaimed, yanking him back into his seat. "You're not doing anybody any good by panicking."

"How much longer is this going to take?" James asked, mussing his hair in anxiety. It was almost hopelessly mussed by now, he'd been frantically going at his hair every few minutes ever since he'd gotten here.

"Do I look like a Healer?" Remus asked, in mild irritation. "I don't know."

"I'm sorry, Remus, I didn't mean to snap at you," James said dully.

Remus sighed and relented. "I know, it's all right. We can't do anything else, James, except wait. I know it's frustrating."

"Frustrating, I wish. It's way beyond frustrating," James muttered, mussing his hair again.

* * *

The rest of the day was spent in the same way, James occasionally lashing out at Sirius and Remus and promptly apologizing.

Frank and Alice briefly stopped by before they left in late afternoon. "Don't worry about the meeting tonight," Frank said under his breath. "We'll make your explanations."

Sirius and Remus nodded for James, who was back into his motionless state of terrified vigilance. "Thanks," Sirius said quietly. Then he looked over James at Remus. How long was this going to take – if Frank and Alice were in and out within two days (most of which was spent in recovery), surely the fact they'd been here almost a full day and the baby wasn't even born yet wasn't a good sign? Remus' return look voiced the same concern, with a warning of 'Don't tell James that'.

* * *

James himself nearly had to be taken to hospital at about 11:30, when a flurry of activity started from within Lily's room, numerous Healers dashing back and forth from the room.

"James, _sit down_!" Sirius ordered, yanking his best friend down again. Remus got up and started meandering over to the registration desk to see if there was any calming potions available for overstrained fathers.

"Don't you tell me to sit down!" James snapped at him angrily.

"What do you think you're going to do, huh?" Sirius snapped back. "You can't go in, James, and I doubt you could get in there any way, as many people are in there now! Healers are right, you'd be more hindrance than help! Merlin's beard, James…"

"I can't take this anymore," James said brokenly as Remus returned with Calming Draught. Without speaking, he swallowed it in one gulp, slowly calming. "I'm sorry for snapping, Sirius," he finally mumbled.

"Aw, don't worry about it," Sirius said. "You're stressed."

"How much longer…" James moaned again, putting his head into his hands. Remus cast a glance at the clock: 11:59. They'd been here over twenty-four hours. Then all three men jumped when a baby's cry pierced the air – a feeble cry, but a cry still the same. James sagged in relief, and Sirius and Remus had to pull him back up before he melted onto the floor.

"There you go, see?" Sirius told him in a shaky voice. "Just had to be patient."

* * *

Albus Dumbledore sat in the dark, dusty records room at Hogwarts School, watching the registry of students with an intense look. In his mind, he replayed the prophecy that Sybil Trelawney had told him, only just a few weeks before. Certainly, Neville Longbottom fit the prophecy, but if Voldemort – Tom – had to 'mark him as his equal', didn't that imply that there would be another child? And the couple that had escaped him three times before was rare. Albus himself only knew of two: Frank and Alice Longbottom, and James and Lily Potter. But the Potters' baby wasn't due until September. Was there perhaps another family, somebody of whom he was unaware – a Muggle family, perhaps, who had been extremely lucky three times?

As the clock hand ticked steadily towards midnight on the night of July 31, Albus watched, as he watched every night for the last week. Quietly counting names, trying to create the list of families to watch carefully. Tonight, he had even excused himself from the Order meeting, to keep vigil over the records book.

Sighing as he saw that it was one minute to midnight, Albus got up and turned to leave, when he heard the scratch of the quill registering another student. Immediately, he whipped around. Who? Who was it, _who_ had just barely squeaked into July 31?

There it was, in glistening blue ink, directly below _Ernest Harold MacMillan, May 3; Draco Arphaxias Malfoy, June 25; Neville Ross Longbottom, July 30…_

_Harry James Potter, July 31._

* * *

To James' dismay, it was still a long time – almost a full hour – before a Healer came out carrying what might've been the tiniest little bundle he had ever seen in his life. Wordlessly, he held out his arms to take his son – he didn't even need to hear the Healer tell him it was a boy. As soon as Harry had been transferred securely to James' arms, the Healer disappeared back inside Lily's room.

He couldn't have been any more than four pounds soaking wet, letting out feeble cries of protest at the light and trying weakly to free his arms from the warm blankets bundled around him. He had a little bit of wet black hair plastered against his head, his eyes tightly shut and hiding his eye colour.

James could tell that he wasn't as healthy as he ought to have been – likely the reason there had been such a long delay in bringing Harry out – but he could also see that Harry was a fighter. That little boy of his was going to fight every step of the way to live.

With a small smile, he passed Harry to Sirius, swiping the wateriness out of his eyes self-consciously. And Sirius had just passed Harry to Remus when James heard Lily's hysterical screaming inside the room. Giving Remus an apologetic 'later, I promise' smile, he took Harry back just as an exasperated Healer stepped outside and said, "You can come in. But only for a minute, mind!"

Lily was reclined on the bed, in tears and pleading hysterically with one of the Healers trying desperately to treat her, "Please, where's my baby?"

"Lily, angel, I have him right here," James whispered into her ear, sitting on a free spot on her bed, and sliding his free arm around her waist. Kissing her lightly, frightened at how cold she was, he repeated, "I have him right here, Lily. Calm down."

Lily turned around frantically. "James, James, is he all right?" she begged, catching the front of his robes. Her grip was clumsy, weak, trembling. She wasn't doing very well, and she wasn't going to lie back and let the Healers work on her until she'd seen Harry.

"He's perfect, Lily, he's perfect," James reassured her, kissing her again. "Calm down. Calm down." Once she'd calmed down, he carefully handed Harry to her, helping her weak arms support him.

"I was so scared, James," she whispered, tears filling her eyes, "I didn't hear him crying, I thought…"

"You passed out, Mrs. Potter," one Healer said quietly. "Passed out and then woke up screaming for him."

"You did good, angel," James murmured into her ear. "You did good. Now, please, let the Healers take care of you. Harry and I will be right outside. All right?"

Finally, Lily nodded and let James take the baby back.

"I love you," he whispered to her, kissing her one last time. Then the Healer who had called him in the first time shooed him out again.


	10. In The Final Year

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

_**Chapter 9: In The Final Year**_

Lily was in hospital for almost a full two months, leaving James alone to try and get the hang of this parent thing. Somehow, between him and Sirius and Remus, who had abandoned their place (Remus was rooming with Sirius again following another undeserved dismissal) for his for the first month, they managed to figure out what to do. Peter, who was notorious for his aversion to anything that depended on serious attention, dropped by from time to time, but never stayed long.

James had left Godric's Hollow for the time being, preferring to be at the London flat so as to be closer to Lily. Every day, he took Harry in to see her, still worried by how sickly she still looked.

Lily didn't seem to take note of her own frailty, breaking into a radiant smile and a laugh whenever he and Harry walked through her hospital room door, talking animatedly to James as she held Harry – still with James' support. He smiled and laughed while he was there, but once he was back home, he fretted and frowned over her.

* * *

One evening in late September, after their visit with Lily, James was lying on the bed on his stomach, Harry lying on his back in front of him. As he let Harry grab onto his finger, it suddenly struck him that Harry wasn't too healthy, either, still. He was almost two months old, surely his grip should be a little firmer by now? Making a mental note to ask the Healer tomorrow when he took Harry in for his examination, he continued to worriedly inspect his little baby son. Was he flushed? His little emerald eyes a little glazed? He seemed warmer than normal to James…

He wasn't going to wait until morning.

* * *

James watched Healer Awre worriedly as the middle-aged man gently went over Harry with his long fingers. "And he's how old, you say?" he asked softly, frowning when Harry caught one of his fingers.

"Just under two months," James replied, cringing when Harry let out a feeble cry of pain at the Healer gently pressing a spot on his little stomch.

"Was he premature?" Healer Awre asked, frowning at Harry's cry.

"Yes, two months," James said. _'Merlin, don't let anything be wrong…'_ he pleaded silently. All those frowns couldn't be good…

Healer Awre stood up straight again. "Who was the lead Healer at his birth?" he asked abruptly.

James groaned in frustration. "I don't know, every Healer in the bleeding hospital must've been there!"

"You don't remember any name at all?"

"Uh…" James tried desperately to think back to that long night and day. Meanwhile, Harry started up his weak cries and James scooped him up off the examination table. "O'Malley? Maybe?" he offered, cuddling Harry close. "Why?"

Awre went over to the filing cabinets in the corner, tapped one with his wand and said clearly, "Ryan O'Malley." He opened the drawer and took out a folder. "What's your son's name?"

"Harry. Harry Potter," James said, standing up and walking around to try and sooth Harry. "Why?"

"Well, I'll be honest with you, Mr. Potter, I'm baffled," Healer Awre said, still looking over the file. "It _looks_ to me like just a case of infant fever, easily treated. But there are other symptoms that don't match up with a fever: sensitivity, which normally comes from an injury except I can't find any evidence of that…"

James made a sound of outrage. "I have never touched my son in that manner!"

"I'm not accusing you of anything, Mr. Potter. Like I said, there's absolutely no evidence of an injury. Has his grip and his cry always been this weak?"

James nodded. "Since the day he was born." He still kept Harry's bassinet in his own room, terrified that he wasn't going to hear him in the night if Harry woke up.

"See, and I've never seen a case like that, _never_, and I've been in this field for forty years."

James watched Harry for a moment. Then it struck him just how unique his son was. It had been an absolute miracle… "Could it have anything to do with the fact that my wife had suffered the Compliance Spell twice?" he asked softly.

Healer Awre looked at him. "Mr. Potter, that's impossible."

"I know," James said, letting Harry grab his finger. "We never could figure out why it reversed." Merlin, if it was Slughorn that had done this to his son, he was going to kill him…

"Well, if that's the case, Mr. Potter, your son's case is one-of-a-kind," Healer Awre said quietly. "I don't have a clue how to treat the rest of it. Best I can do is to tell you to treat the fever. Give him a cool bath when you get home. I'll get you a prescription for Fever-Reductor, you can mix it in with his bottles."

"Thank you, Healer Awre," James said.

"Bring him back in if the fever doesn't fade within a few days," Healer Awre said. "But if it doesn't fade, Mr. Potter…"

James shook his head. The Healer didn't have to tell him that he was walking into dangerous waters.

* * *

"He looks a little flushed, doesn't he?" Arabella fussed after the Order meeting that night.

James, a little tired of hearing that as Remus and Sirius and Frank and Alice had all just finished saying the same thing, sighed and repeated that Harry had a touch of infant fever (Alice was keeping Neville a good distance away, he noticed) and the Healer had said that it should fade in a few days.

"When's Lily supposed to be back home?" Dumbledore asked quietly.

"Sometime this week," James replied, worry in his voice. Lily still wasn't back to full health, but the Healers were quite insistent that they needed her out, there was nothing more they could do for her, any way.

He picked up Harry when he started to fuss again and tried to push that nagging little voice out of his head.

* * *

He could hear Lily's happy laughs from their bedroom, making him smile briefly. When he had left to go get some dinner ready, Lily had been playing with Harry on the bed. He had wheedled a promise not to try to do anything strenuous out of Lily, so she was lying down on the bed again, though she complained about having had enough bed rest to last the rest of her life.

Lily was clearly glad to be home with him and Harry. He had yet to see her smile fade, the glittering happiness in her eyes flicker. And it wasn't that James wasn't thrilled that she was home again, but he still fretted over how thin she was, how pale she was, the slight tremor in her hands.

* * *

After James had put Harry to bed, he rejoined Lily, grinning when she immediately sidled onto his lap. "How are you feeling?" he murmured, sliding his arms around her waist. Merlin, she was so gorgeous…

Lily kissed him softly. "A little cold," she purred, "and a little tired."

"Mm, well, let's see if we can't fix either of those," James said.

* * *

Lily yawned as she woke up, happily snuggling into James' side. Merlin, she had missed waking up with him. "James," she whispered. When he didn't even move, she repeated, "James," and started sliding over him to kiss him.

That got a response, as James groaned in his sleep. Satisfied that she still had the touch, Lily settled herself down on his chest, watching him sleep for a moment. Merlin, she loved how firm his chest was… Could she have ever imagined, all those years ago, that she'd find herself here? It was an absolute miracle.

A tiny little whimper from Harry's bassinet made her eye James one last time. He was clearly fast asleep – if she just got up, took Harry out and sat right back down, he couldn't get mad for that, right? Well, it was worth a shot.

Carefully, Lily slid back off of her husband, sat up and waited for the brief dizziness to fade. Grabbing her dressing robe, she put it on and made her way over to Harry. "Hi, Harry," she whispered as she picked him up. "What's the matter?"

She settled him securely into her arms and went back to the bed, resting her back against the headboard and pillows. "What's the matter, little boy?" she cooed softly as Harry whimpered again, waving his little arms. "You hungry? It's time to feed you, isn't it?" She shot another look at James, still sleeping deeply. She knew the Healers said not to switch him to breastfeeding now that she was home, they said she wasn't strong enough, it would sap her energy; but she hated to wake James. And she knew she wasn't going to be able to make it out to the kitchen herself.

She'd chance it. Harry was whimpering more urgently now. With one last glance at her slumbering husband, Lily moved her robe enough to let Harry catch onto her and brought him up. Her little son immediately stopped whimpering and started drinking greedily, occasionally stopping long enough to breath.

"Yeah, there you go," Lily whispered, rocking him slightly.

"Lily," came James' sleepy grumble as he sat up. "Lily, you're not supposed to be – "

"Hush, you," Lily ordered softly, a small smile on her face. "I'm fine." The smile widened when she felt him slide behind her, wrapping an arm around her waist and kissing her neck. "Isn't he beautiful?" she asked him.

"Absolutely," James agreed. "Perfection incarnate. Just like his mother."

* * *

By the time her overprotective husband let her out of the flat for any length of time, Christmas was quickly approaching.

"Happy birthday, James," she murmured through a kiss on the evening of December 7. "I'm sorry there's no presents for you this year."

"You and Harry are presents enough," James assured her. "But don't overwork yourself at the meeting tonight, and we'll call it even."

"All right," Lily agreed, eyes sparkling at the prospect of leaving the flat for the first time since September.

* * *

"Lily!" Alice exclaimed in delight as James, carrying Harry in one arm, held open the doors of headquarters for Lily. "Oh, Lily, it's so good to see you back again!"

Lily smiled and laughed as she sat down with Alice to catch up. She reached to take Harry from James, but Sirius had already absconded with him, threatening not to give him back.

* * *

After the meeting was over, and Lily still wasn't quite sure how it came about, James and Frank got into 'my son can do anything your son can do' argument, which turned rather silly in a short space of time.

Alice laughed and looked at Lily, shaking her head as she resettled her sleepy baby on her lap. "Can you believe two buffoons like that gave half the genetic code of these little angels?"

Lily laughed softly as Harry, who was still wide awake thanks to Sirius and Remus, gave her a grin that was so much of James. "I can."

* * *

"Lily!" Persia called, waving her arm frantically across Diagon Alley. "Lily, over here!"

"Have a good afternoon, angel," James said, giving her a quick kiss goodbye. "You're sure you don't want me to take Harry?"

"Are you kidding?" Lily laughed. She nuzzled her son's cheek affectionately. "It's Mummy time. We'll be fine, James, don't worry."

"All right," James agreed. "I'm at the Ministry if you need me."

"Lily!" Dani ordered. Lily laughed again and headed over to where her two friends were standing in a little huddle.

"Oh my goodness, Lily, look at you!" Persia exclaimed when she reached them. "You look so good!"

"Hi, cutie," Dani cooed to Harry, seizing the little 5-month-old immediately. "Look at you, rosy cheeks…"

"Hmph," Persia finally said. "No fair. I can't even get Rick to propose, and you got _James Potter_ to propose before you're even done school, _and_ you get a baby."

"And an adorable baby he is, too," Lily agreed, reclaiming Harry. "Come on, let's get inside before he gets too cold." The three friends laughed and ducked inside the restaurant.

Finding a table near the window so that they could see if Sarah or Janet was going to show, the three women shed their cloaks, Lily laughing when a wiggly Harry made her work to get his little infant's cloak off.

"So are you still in London, Lily?" Dani asked. "I know James moved back into the city when you were in the hospital, Tom was telling me about it."

Lily sighed and resettled Harry on her lap. "I managed to convince James that we can move back out to Godric's Hollow after Christmas. I like it better out there, it's quiet."

"Merlin, he looks like James," Persia commented suddenly, watching Harry as he giggled at the attention and bounced happily on Lily's lap.

"I know," Lily said. "I love it."

"He's got your eyes, though," Dani added.

"Really?" Lily laughed, tickling Harry. "I hadn't noticed. It's not like _everybody_ says that. Or that James points it out three times a day. Right, Harry? Yeah…"

"Hi, girls!" came Sarah's voice as she slid into another seat. "Janet said she'd be along shortly, she was just going to pick up her niece from her brother's house. Apparently she forgot that she said that she'd babysit when she agreed to come today. So Susan's along for the ride."

"They must be just beside themselves with grief," Persia commented. "I mean, her other brother and his wife and three kids, all killed?"

"I don't think the oldest one was even 10," Dani agreed. "And her sister, Amelia, being in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, too? Probably feeling guilty that she couldn't save them, and at Christmas, too…"

Lily sighed and half-listened to the conversation. It had been so hard to imagine the darkness descending on her world when she had been inside her safe, happy flat for months. The world had been happy, just because she only had James and Harry there, and it was hard to remember the darkness when her little boy gave her that big grin, just like he was doing now.

"I can't believe he'd show his face in public," she heard Sarah say contemptuously, and she brought herself back to attention. "After what he did to you, Lily? He's damn lucky he escaped Azkaban."

Oh. She was talking about Slughorn. Looking around, Lily felt her stomach freeze into little knots as she saw him coming in with some younger adults – men, she noticed – probably old members of the Slug Club.

"Oh, if he _dares_ come over here, I'm going to sock him a good one," Janet announced, arriving at the table with a curly-haired blonde girl about Harry's age, maybe slightly older, on one hip. "Nice to see you, Lily, you look good. Did you know that he came to Amelia's and my flat the other day, wanted to 'extend his sincerest condolences' for Edward and Diana and the kids. Well, 'Melia told _him_ where to stuff his 'sincerest condolences' and slammed the door. She doesn't like him, thinks he just wants to feel important because she's a shoo-in for Head of Magical Law Enforcement once Bartemius Crouch retires." She took off her cloak and Susan's. "Susie, don't wiggle so. She's staying the night at my place, Amelia and I decided to let Robert and Bernice have a break. Besides, she's adorable, isn't she? Like a little angel."

"How old is she, any way?" Persia asked. "She can't be that much older than Harry."

"She'll be a year old in May," Janet said cheerfully. "Harry was born in July, wasn't he, Lily? I suppose that means they'll be classmates in about ten years."

"I guess," Lily laughed. "Merlin, that's so far down the road, I'm not even thinking about school yet." It had bothering her lately, this nagging feeling that her time was coming to an end. She didn't want to think about it, didn't want to think about leaving, dying, now that she had Harry to fuss over.

"Well, if this doesn't look like a schoolgirls' reunion," came Slughorn's pleasant voice as he appeared behind Janet. He looked a little startled to see the displeased glares from the young women. "Miss March, Miss Zacharias, Miss Sinclare, Miss Bones," he paused as he looked at Lily, "Miss Evans."

"Mrs. Potter, actually," Lily replied coolly, concentrating on Harry, who was trying to crawl all over her.

"Ah, yes, I thought I'd heard a rumour of that," Slughorn said. "And this is…"

"My son," Lily said, a triumphant smirk threatening to escape when she saw the thunderstruck look on his face.

"Ah… yes, well, meeting some old students for a drink, must be going," he muttered, taking off with another dark look at Lily and Harry.

"Did you see the look on his fat face when you said that, Lily?" Sarah laughed. "As if he didn't expect you to be married."

"I think it was the baby that threw him off, actually," Dani spoke up. "Didn't seem too pleased… Lily?"

But Lily was playing with Harry, laughing as she steadied him on his feet and his little fingers tried to pluck at her face. "I know, sweetheart, I don't have glasses like Daddy for you to pick up and throw… can I have a kiss?" Harry shrieked with laughter as she kissed his nose lightly.

"He's going to be so spoiled, that little boy," Persia laughed.

"He already is," Lily replied. "Between James and Sirius and Remus, honestly…"

* * *

"James?" Lily asked softly one night, as she was feeding Harry for what might be the last time: she had to start weaning him soon, he was getting pretty close to the year-old mark.

"Yeah, angel?" James asked, taking Harry from her once he was done drinking. He rubbed Harry's back until their little son had fallen asleep, then lay down and settled Harry on his chest, letting Lily snuggle into his side.

"James, can we try for another one?" she asked.

James looked at her momentarily. "Precious angel, are you sure about that?" he asked softly. "Remember how much trouble you had with Harry?" He sighed and kissed her lightly. "It's not that I wouldn't like to have another baby, Lily. I just don't know that I'm quite ready to go through all that drama again. Angel, it took you nearly half the year to recover."

Lily sighed. "Just a thought, James, that's all," she said softly, resting her head on his shoulder. "I'd still be happy with just Harry," she added.

Again, Lily was hit with that annoying, stabbing, nagging feeling like the end was drawing nearer. She was being ridiculous, she told herself firmly. The end was years and years away yet – well after Harry was grown. She was being paranoid because of her Sight. All those years of Divination, seeing death omens in tealeaves and Merlin knew what else were finally getting to her.

Sighing again, Lily watched her two men sleep, remembering that vision of this precise scene she had had so many years ago. Then, finally, she dropped off to sleep.

* * *

Lily smiled as she watched Remus coaxing Harry into a standing position outside on Harry's first birthday, snuggling herself up against James' chest. Sirius was supposed to be by later, same with Peter, but for right now, Remus had Harry all to himself and he was evidently going to take advantage of every minute.

Harry wobbled slightly on his little feet, but managed to stay standing. He shrieked with delight and looked at Lily and James.

"Yes, I see you standing, Harry," Lily called. She laughed when Harry started to lose his balance and landed on his well-padded bottom, looking quite shocked. Remus laughed and scooped Harry up again, setting him back on his feet and letting him cling onto his fingers.

"A-a-a-and one foot," Remus said, as Harry, eager to be loved upon and doted upon and having figured out that learning to walk would definitely result in love and doting, stepped one foot forward. "And the other. The other, Harry," but Harry had tumbled down, having tried to take two steps with the same foot. "Close," he comforted Harry, who was looking crestfallen and threatening to burst into tears.

"Hey, what's going on?" Sirius asked cheerfully as he Apparated in, shaking his hair out of his eyes.

Harry shrieked with delight again and reached his arms out. "Sius!"

There was a startled silence for a moment before Sirius laughed and snatched Harry out of Remus' arms. "Ha! He learnt _my_ name first!" He grinned, tickling his godson and Harry's mad giggling filled the air.

_"No, please, Hagrid, give him to me, I'm his godfather…" Sirius' voice was grief-stricken, trembling, desperate._

_"Sorry, Sirius, can' do it. Dumbledore's orders, he's ter go ter his aunt an' uncle's."_

_"Sius!" Harry was screaming, sobbing, struggling to escape from Hagrid's huge arms. "Sius!"_

_"Please, Hagrid, I'm begging you…"_

_"Dumbledore said 'no', an' that's the on'y answer yeh'll git outta me, Sirius!"_

_Sirius' voice broke as he started to sob. "Then, can I at least hold him, Hagrid?"_

_"Siddown, Sirius, yeh look abou' dead, yeh'd drop the tyke." Sirius crumpled to the ground, still staring at the devastation in front of him. "There," Hagrid finally said gruffly, depositing Harry in his lap. "Jus' for a while, mind. Don' go gittin' no funny ideas of runnin', neither."_

_"Sius," Harry sobbed, clinging desperately to Sirius' robes. "Sius…"_

_"I know, Harry, I know," Sirius soothed, rocking the little boy gently. As he rocked his godson back to calmness, he brushed the hair away from his head to reveal a brilliant red lightning bolt._

Lily came back to the present with a start. Sirius had joined the mission to teach Harry how to walk with Remus, the two men coaxing Harry into trying to walk to each of them.

"What's the matter, Lily?" James asked her softly.

Lily sighed. "Nothing." That nagging feeling of impending doom returned, stronger than ever. They didn't have much longer, she and James.

A shout of triumph sounded from Remus and Sirius just as Peter Apparated in.

Harry had managed to take a few steps towards Remus, though he was stopping to make sure everybody had seen him do it. Then he wobbled again and lost his balance.

"That's what you get for showing off, Harry," Sirius laughed as he scooped him up again.

* * *

"James, Lily, can I have a word?" Dumbledore asked quietly.

"Yeah, sure, sir," James replied, passing Harry off to Sirius. "One moment."

"Mind you don't keep him up all night, now," Lily warned Sirius, who grinned and widened his eyes innocently, pointing at himself in a clear 'Who, me?' gesture. "If I get a cranky little boy back tomorrow morning, I will not be happy with you."

"Relax, Lily, I'm not about to keep him up all night," Sirius waved off her remark, settling Harry into his arms. "See you tomorrow." With that, Sirius quickly took off before Lily could add more instructions. One of these days, he was going to make good on his threats and he wasn't going to give Harry back in the morning.

"What is it, sir?" Lily asked, returning to the warmth of James' arm and looking at Dumbledore. Headquarters was completely empty save for them.

"I'm afraid I don't have good news," Dumbledore said seriously. "I've gotten word from a reliable source that Voldemort is coming after you."

"How reliable is this source?" James asked sharply after a moment of shocked silence, tightening his grip around Lily's waist as she felt her heart go ice-cold. All those months of trying to convince herself that she was being paranoid… all for nothing.

"Almost as good as hearing it from Voldemort himself," Dumbledore replied quietly. "I'm sorry, James, Lily. You need to start thinking about going into hiding."

"How in Merlin's name does somebody hide from Voldemort himself?" James asked shakily, as the severity of the situation began to hit him. Harry… Merlin, he needed to keep his little son safe. But how?

"I would suggest the Fidelius Charm," Dumbledore said, "but do think extremely hard about who you would choose for Secret-Keeper."

"Sirius," Lily said to James softly.

"Don't even need to think about it – " James started to agree, when Dumbledore interrupted sharply.

"_Think_, James. Somebody's turned traitor, somebody close to you. I don't know who, but somebody's been passing information to Voldemort for at least a year. I wouldn't be leaving Harry with anybody until this is resolved."

* * *

"I don't believe that Sirius would betray us," Lily said softly that night as she nestled into James' side on their couch. They had opted to leave Harry at Sirius' for the night, it would've raised too many suspicions if they'd gone to take him back now. "I don't believe that for a moment he or Remus or Peter would change sides."

"But who else could it be?" James asked, worry in his voice. "There's nobody else who knows enough about us to be giving Voldemort anything useful in information. Not even Persia and Danielle."

Lily bit her lip and buried her face into his shoulder. "I hate this war," she sobbed. "I hate this."

"I'm confident that Sirius isn't the traitor," James said to her quietly, kissing her gently. "I'd know, if he had changed sides. I'd know, I'm sure."

"I'm sure you would, too," Lily agreed.

"We'll ask Sirius tomorrow when we go pick up Harry," James whispered to her. "Is that all right with you?"

Lily nodded, worry still plaguing her mind.

"What's the matter, angel?" James asked, catching her under him and watching her eyes worriedly.

Lily felt the tears spring into her eyes. "We're not going to make it, James," she said softly. "I've been sensing it for months. I told myself I was just being paranoid…"

James kissed her gently. "Don't dwell on that, Lily. Maybe you were just being paranoid. Think about Harry. Think about watching him grow up. Don't think about dying now, because it's not going to happen."

"That's just it, though, James, I can't even imagine it. I try and I can't even picture him any older than he is now." Lily started to cry, letting James gently whisper soothing words into her ear, soft little kisses landing on her face. "I can picture other children older, but I can't see Harry any older."

* * *

Lily listened to the low, indistinct conversation downstairs as she laid Harry down on her and James' bed for a nap. Stretching out on her stomach, she gently rubbed her thumb across his soft, delicate little baby hands as they clung to her fingers; watching his rosy little baby face as he slept without a care in the world so long as he was clean, dry, fed and adored. What she wouldn't give to have that peace, just for a while.

"What's going to happen to you, Harry?" she whispered softly. "My sweet little baby boy, are you ever going to know how much Daddy and I love you?" She kissed his little nose, smiling as he whimpered slightly and wrinkled his face. "Sweet little Harry… I know you'll survive. I've seen it. But what's your life going to be like? I wish I could see you, just once, when you've grown up."

Lily gathered Harry into her arms and cuddled him close, sitting up and letting him resettle himself in her arms to continue his nap. She couldn't seem to stop the tears from escaping. The feeling was so strong, it threatened to overwhelm her.

James appeared in the doorway, face pale and worried. "It's done," he said quietly, sitting down next to her. He reached out and smoothed down a wayward tuft of Harry's hair. "What I wouldn't sell to have that peace," he murmured. "Life is so simple for him. Look at him – he's not worried about traitors and dark magic."

"As long as he can eat, sleep and play, he's happy," Lily agreed.


	11. Epilogue

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **This story was written prior to Deathly Hallows, and so some aspects of the story and epilogue are different.**

* * *

**

**Epilogue**

She'd never felt pain like this before. The sting of betrayal. Pain like a thousand knives stabbing into her. The grief of realizing that she'd died, that James had died.

She didn't want her last sight to be a maniac, to be Voldemort laughing in triumph as he aimed his wand at her baby, her son, her little miracle. So Lily focused on Harry, on his innocent little face as he started to touch her face with his little hands.

"Ma?" Harry asked innocently. "Ma?" He didn't understand that she was dead, that she wasn't going to catch him into a hug and laugh as she kissed his rosy little cheeks.

Lily saw the room fading away as a green light hurtled towards Harry. Sobbing with no tears or sounds, she tried to scream, 'NO! NOT HARRY!'

* * *

Her little boy was screaming and sobbing in her head as she walked down the dark hallway. Crying, Lily looked around her. Though there was no light, windows lined the hallway. In the windows were scenes. She saw Harry being left on her sister's doorstep – she imagined the horror that must've flown through Petunia's mind. She saw Sirius corner Peter in a busy Muggle street, saw Peter frame Sirius and escape in his Animagus form. She saw Remus fall apart as he lost every person who had ever been dear to him. She saw Frank and Alice's torture, cried as Neville, too, lost his parents. 

And countless other windows, windows that showed her what happened to Harry. She watched as he grew up, neglected and humiliated, until the day he rediscovered the wizarding world. She watched him face her murderer time and time again. She watched him grow into a man far too quickly, as tragedy struck him time after time.

Suddenly, she was standing outside, in the warm summer sun. All around her were old ruins – not ancient, but old. Looking around, Lily realized that she was standing in the wreckage of her home. Godric's Hollow was deserted, all but decimated.

Turning around, she came face to face with a young man. In shock, she took a step backward, as did he.

He was an average height, slim. Black unruly hair, wire-frame glasses, brilliant green eyes. A lightning bolt scar on his forehead.

"H-H-Harry?" she asked softly, incredulously. Carefully, she stepped forward again. He didn't move, still watching her with astonishment in his eyes. "Is it really you, Harry?"

He nodded wordlessly. "How…" he asked weakly, letting her reach out to touch him.

"I don't know," she said, tears starting to well up as she felt her fingers brush against his sunburned face. "I don't know. I knew you'd survive…" She traced the scar on his forehead lightly. "How old are you now?"

"Seventeen," Harry replied quietly. "I just turned seventeen yesterday."

Had her heart been beating, Lily was sure it would've stopped. She had wished to see him grown up, just once. She was being granted that wish.

"You _do_ look like James…" she said softly. "You even sound like him." A tear escaped. "I don't know how long this is going to last, Harry." She laid a hand against his cheek as she said, "We love you, Harry, Dad and I. We always will. Sirius and Remus, too."

"Sirius is dead," Harry said, with more pain reflected in his voice than she had ever wanted him to know. "He's been dead for a year."

"I know," Lily replied. "But he loved you dearly, Harry. I know nothing will take his place. Your first word was his name."

"Was it really?" Harry asked with a small smile.

"Yeah. Your first birthday. Right before your first steps. Which, coincidentally, Remus snatched up. Can't say I wasn't a little jealous. Your dad got your first smile. Sirius got your first word. Remus got your first steps."

Panicking as she felt herself slipping away, Lily repeated, "I love you, Harry. Don't forget that."

* * *

And then she was standing in front of a curtain. Beyond that curtain, she knew, James was waiting. Sirius. Dumbledore. Frank and Alice. Gideon and Fabian. All those people she had known and loved, dead by whatever method. All she had to do was walk through. 

And one day, Harry would be here. Hopefully not for a long time, but one day he would come. And then, only then, would she know that her sacrifice had been worth it. That in dying to give him life, she had given him the greatest treasure: love.

Echoing faintly in the empty room around her, Lily heard Harry's voice.

"Thanks, Mum."

Smiling through the tears, Lily walked through the curtain and into eternity.


End file.
